Mental Health - How do I help?

In this world of Organisations like Beyond Blue, Black Dog Institute, SANE Australia, Mental Health Online and such public personal accounts of experiences of Depression as this recent one by Doug Leddin, we realise there is now an awareness of Mental Health being 'a thing' and that is a start.

But is that enough?  The short answer to that is NO.

Simply knowing Mental Health Conditions exist, does nothing to support the people who are living with them, or, struggling with them. We need practical information that can be used to support them.

We now also have 'It's Ok To Say' Campaign', which aims to raise awareness of Depression and Anxiety in the same way the Pink Ribbon has worked for Breast Cancer. And that is a great initiative, but how does that encourage people to act to support those with these conditions?

We have, what is a quite well known Campaign called R U OK?, which I have my feelings about and have blogged about before here. But does this really provide the practical answer to the question, "How do I help?"

I must at this point say, as I usually do when I write these pieces, that this is my opinion only. There are many other opinions on this and many other perspectives. Every person's experience of life, Anxiety, Depression and the World in general is different. That is probably the first point to keep in mind in answering the question ... "How do I help?" 

(I may also at times only use the word Depression here, understand however, it often and usually, goes hand in hand with Anxiety)

I have had my say a few times on this, here for example, as I have a very committed belief that people need connection! ALL people, and so it follows, people who have Mental Health Conditions, need more consideration, because, somewhat ironically, many Mental Health Conditions actually bring about a state of mind where a person withdraws socially or completely from society, when in fact what that person needs is to feel included and valued. This can only come about with connection.

Source

Often this is not just because of the Depression or the Anxiety or, any other condition, it can be because they are sick and tired themselves, of only having their experience of Mental Health to talk about, to live ... and seemingly, nothing else to share or contribute.

I believe in a thing called "An experience of hope" ... I found this expression in a book I once read called The Bear's Embrace. It was offered as support from a Doctor to their Patient who, no matter how they treated their Depression, felt they were not making a substantial progression. Life just kept throwing itself at her.

This idea is like the saying 'building on your achievements', to achieve great things in life, often one just needs to achieve one small thing. Small achievements bring with them some confidence, a sense of ability, a sense of pride and worth, value. Those, are the things that move a person forward to a better place within.

How can a person with Depression improve their situation if their experience is only Depression? How can they heal in the environment which has made them unwell?

When we as humans encounter other humans we build a 'Catalogue of Experiences' (some good, some bad and many in between), we step out of ourselves, we might even physically step out of our homes, we can then have 'other' experiences, which we can then talk about, and so on, this then becomes our 'new experience'. Eventually building a staircase to follow to a better place or building a 'Collage of Hope".

Depression, however, is a vicious downward cycle and requires an upward push to help overcome it.

YOU! As a friend, family member, partner, neighbour, adult child, colleague, volunteer etc., can help to break that cycle, provide an upward push. Help another person have an Experience of Hope.

Source

Many people have those human supports around them, but their supports have become "used to the status quo", they watch their person with Depression and/or Anxiety live with it, they do not check in as frequently, they do not drop in for a cup of tea or coffee, they do not invite them to functions or dinner or BBQs, because that person never comes ... by not inviting them, you might just overlook the one day they might have come.

It can be very difficult to be the person supporting a person with Depression, that is why it is even more important for many people to be involved, share the caring. Instead of committing to two phone calls per week each of an hour, have two people make one call each, have 4 people make a call each per fortnight, aim for half an hour, whatever it takes, if you are concerned, it is worth it! As is said to those enduring life's difficulties, It Will Get Better. For those supporting, It Will Get Easier.

Just turning up with a smile after an extended period of disconnection, isn't enough, it is also a much harder role for the support person to perform. When a person who has a Mental Health Condition, and is continually experiencing Life's struggles, has to recount a month of their experience all in one go, nobody wins! That experience only helps them to relive the experience and depletes the energy of the people who care. It is also considered re-traumatising. This is why regular contact is important. And, the more regular, the less time is needed overall.

So, if I have not made it clear and managed to espouse the importance of consistent Connection ... here is the mantra ... STAY IN TOUCH!

Keep up to date in a personal way. Not on Facebook which by the way is just another means of communication, not a real life experience, or by email, which is so impersonal and originally meant for business communication. Having people you know and people you engage with, are two very different concepts.

The sound of a human voice provides more connection that you can know, seeing the expressions on the face of another helps people to remember and experience emotions they may have forgotten. Human contact provides experiences of Hope. If you are still not convinced, watch the video below by clicking on the link below the image ... The Beauty of Human Connection

The Beauty of Human Connection

And finally, commit half an hour a week to your person who is struggling, or any person you care about. Give them something to look forward to, help them build their 'Collage of Hope'.

It might just do you some good too.

If you or anyone you know is in need of support, use the links at the top of this page to seek support or referral, or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14

This, for your listening pleasure ... fantastic version
Just click on the link below the image.

Sounds Of Silence

Depression - A true account

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Suicide, Domestic Violence.

I am posting this today, but I give notice that I wrote this about 12 months ago. I was too vulnerable then to put it out to the world. I'm doing well today, so here goes. Hope it can be of assistance to someone.

I know from time to time, the internet explodes with stories of people living with depression. Usually, this is brought about by a very public disclosure of a celebrity living with depression or having suicided.

My awareness of depression or suicide is simply by being me. I have written this post from my perspective and am not speaking for any other person as everyone's experience is different.

I live with anxiety and depression. It seems, I have lived with them (and suspected PTSD) most of my life due to being a child victim of Domestic Violence, and am now looking at a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD, which explains a lot). I was not diagnosed with Depression formally until I was in my late 40s, despite bouts of Post Natal Depression with both children, and the Anxiety has just been something I have come to understand as being my default because of the Trauma, through much counselling.

Now that I understand and recognise my behaviour when I am anxious or depressed, it makes it easier to see how my life has played out as it has. The contribution that BPD has also made is that I have made bad decisions, life changing ones, in the blink of an eye, because I did not know how to manage my anxiety, mainly because I did not know I had it. I just thought that was me.

I have encountered conflict because I was too anxious to say what I really felt, and being frustrated by this, have displayed anger, I have been walked all over and missed opportunities due to my inability to express my needs or trust in people who might have been able to help me.

Depression and anxiety change who I am, they change the way I live, the way I relate to other people, the way I parent, interact with colleagues, plan my day/week/month, they effect my ability to be punctual and reliable, to make choices about relationships, finances, job opportunities, education. They steal away my chances at a better life if I simply cannot perform at the level I need to in any given situation.

For anyone reading this right now who is thinking I am over dramatising this, or why don't you just take Anti Depressants, practice Mindfulness, learn Yoga and Meditation, get a hobby, cheer up … Firstly, here is a link to Beyond Blue so you can educate yourself as to what Depression actually is, secondly, how Depression is managed is different for every single person and usually involves a combination of many things, including support and understanding from others. Not forgetting my other diagnosis'.

There are thousands of Anti Depressants on the market. Currently, I am trying my 4th type in 12 months because the particular medication I had been on for a number of years, when increased to combat Anxiety brought on by a major life trauma, only made the anxiety worse, so I had to find another medication that would work for me. I am still looking, trying one after the other, experiencing side effects that cannot be lived with such as nose bleeds, blurred vision, insomnia, constipation, dry mouth, increased anxiety/depression, vertigo, exhaustion, high blood pressure etc, and therefore moving on to the next medication to see if it suits me.

The reason I have decided to write about this today is that I know others who also have bouts of or live daily with depression, anxiety and PTSD, and I know of people who, when a disclosure is made, want to help. But don't know how.

The last time I had a really bad day and decided to disclose to a friend who had encouraged me to call her "anytime, day or night" she was so overwhelmed by my emotions, she admitted later to me that she nearly had me scheduled. For those of you who are not aware of what that means, it is being taken to hospital for a period of 72 hours against your will, usually by Police, with no option to leave. What I had needed was for her to listen to me talk and cry (sob really) and possibly share a cup of tea, but I could not express that.

When I am at my darkest with depression, it is due to the negative self talk that I fight every day, having won dominance. I start to doubt my ability to do anything. I question my worth and my value, I believe that the people who have offered to take my calls day or night, are not genuine because they never phone me … I understand why people never phone me, who would want to talk to or spend time with a person who is depressed? And so, I will not phone them.

Catch 22 … Connectedness is a major factor in combating depression, but when people do not phone me or invite me or call in to see me, that is exactly what I lack, connectedness. I have many people say, "Let's have coffee" or lunch or go out or …. But they never follow up, they wait for me to call, but I won't, because I don't want to burden them with me, to interrupt their lives, to use up time they would prefer to be spending with their families.

While R U OK? Day is a great program, very few people truly understand what it is about. It is about starting conversations. It is NOT about phoning a friend once a year to see if they are ok.

If you truly want to help a friend who is living with any Mental Health issue, ask them what they need, have that conversation, keep having that conversation, regularly, then you will know how to help them.

I'll love my baby no matter what ...

Please Note: I have used pronouns here in places that may seem grammatically incorrect, but are respectful of the person I am referring to around their gender. I may not have the language perfect or completely correct, but I am trying. I apologise to any grammar police out there as I do appreciate it may make you squirm, but a heads up, you may just have to get used to it.

E.g. She, He or They Here is a link for further information

As young parents blessed with a new arrival, we hope that our babies will only experience good health and happiness in life, we hope they will not have to endure never learning to sleep through the night. Even if that is actually the least of their concerns, but a huge concern for us.

We visualise well into their futures imagining them on many a pedestal accepting many an award. We ALWAYS imagine them with smiles on their faces, because, lets face it, when it really comes down to tin tacks, that is all that we do really want for our kids, is that they are happy.

I've never worried about what my kids will do for work, I've only ever said that if they can find what they love and make that their jobs, they will always be happy in their work.

I've also tried to teach them self worth and to know that nobody has the right to not value them for who they are, if you come across those people in life, walk away.

I've only ever focused on the life lessons that I knew about, the ones I myself had experienced and the ones I felt qualified enough to talk about.

After all, we don't really think about all the other millions of things that have not touched our lives in some way … until they do.

Now some background information … *fade to playground at Local Primary School circa 1972* ….

When I was in Primary School I had a best friend, his name for the sake of this story, was Nick. Nick and I used to hang out all the time.  I liked doing boy things and he liked hanging with us girls. Not that we ever made any assumptions about that, we were all just mates, sexuality, at that time, an unknown entity.

When we went to High School and we started to meet other kids from other schools, Nick found a group of other kids that he seemed to feel more comfortable with and although we all said hello from time to time, we saw less of each other. I missed his conversations and his laughter.

Me, being Queen of Naive, found out much later that Nick was gay, and I think a part of me loved him even more for just being himself.

I went on to work in travel where I met a lovely man named, for the sake of this story, Nick 2, him and I used to have lunch together and talk about all sorts of things, mainly his travels and the ones I was looking forward to having. When I left that job I missed his sense of adventure and vision.

I later worked in a bank where I met and befriended Nick 3, we used to go out picking up men together at piano bars and the likes. Nick 3 was much more refined than me … and I missed that and his intellect and cheeky grin when we parted ways.

I loved those Nicks, not because they were gay, but because they were fun, interesting, intelligent, caring and they were all good friends of mine, who lifted me up with their own sense of value and self worth, because each of them were complete individuals and comfortable in their own skin.

So when I realised my son did not seem happy and did not seem as comfortable in his own skin as the memories I had of my friends from years gone by, I couldn't figure it out.

Much time has passed since MJ first came out to me, we have had many things happen in that time, MJ has transitioned through friendships and found a group where he feels safe and comfortable, he is intelligent and has a vision for his future and he wants to travel and one day have special relationships such as the ones we all hope for.

Recently I learnt something very important about one of the things that have not been a part of my life and as far as I know, a thing that I had not experienced. That, is the concept of Genderqueer. I didn't realise that while sexuality is a very individual thing, so is gender.

Genderqueer - Beyond the Binaries

And now, now that I know that and they has found the courage to be themself, things are going to get better. They can now plan a life that will meet their needs, that will be the life they sees for themself (I still hope that involves lots of pedestals and accolades because they deserves them), and while, when this wonderful young person was born I could never have imagined this life for them, I still want them to have whatever it is that makes them happy. Because I'll love my baby no matter what.


If you or anyone you know would like more information on the subject of Genderqueer please contact Genderqueer Australia on 03 8640 9796 or via This Link Or The Gender Centre in Sydney 02 9569 2366

Should you require urgent assistance, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14

I want to live in a world where the words male and female are flexible and subjective, even redundant. A world of perpetual transformation, where sexuality and gender become obsolete as people begin to question why they should be the same person, day in, day out. A world where the overriding ethos is to question and explore your sexuality and gender without the restrictions prevalent in 'normal' society. Questioning what is masculine and what is feminine is about redrawing the boundaries (or removing them altogether) surrounding activities that are seen as inherently male or female. I long for a world where the old oppositions of male/female, masculine/feminine, heterosexual/homosexual have dissolved. I want to live in a world where I am free to be whoever I want to be, whenever I want to be, male, female, other or neither -  I have been advised this piece should be attributed to a young Trans person named Silver Taylor

R U OK? and Social Media?

Trigger Warnings: Suicide, Suicidal Ideology, Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety.

For those of you who may not already know, I am studying Community Service Work Certificate IV.

The reason I am mentioning this is because of a particular subject we are covering just now, which has become even more relevant to my own personal experience with the up coming event of 'R U OK? Day' looming.

I often ask the question "Does R U OK? Day have a place on Social Media?” my answer is no. But that is just my opinion, the opinion of a person who does not feel connected, I am sure there are other opinions based on your own perspective/s. This post is not actually about inviting a discussion of our opinions however.

I've always said I don't want all my friends sending me a message on Facebook all on the one day of the year just because the media tell them it's the day to do it, particularly if they are not available to engage in your response when you post your reply later.

In my opinion, if you are doing this, then you have actually missed the point of the day.

People who are 'not OK' know it … you generally don't have to ask to get them to make a decision on that or to evoke thought on the subject, they think about it a lot. What they do need is a conversation or connectedness. So here are some points I have copied from the R U OK? Website in an attempt to help people understand truly, the seriousness and necessity of such a day.

Lesson Number 1:

R U OK? Day is about Suicide Prevention!

"R U OK? is a not-for-profit organisation founded by Gavin Larkin in 2009, whose vision is a world where we’re all connected and are protected from suicide. Accordingly, our mission is to encourage and equip everyone to regularly and meaningfully ask “are you ok?”

Lesson Number 2:

WHY?

"We know that suicide prevention is an enormously complex and sensitive challenge the world over. But we also know that some of the world’s smartest people have been working tirelessly and developed credible theories that suggest there’s power in that simplest of questions - “Are you ok?”"

"One of the most significant theories is by United States academic, Dr Thomas Joiner. Because his father took his own life, Thomas has dedicated his research to try and answer that question “why?”"


"His theory tries to answer that complex question by describing three forces at play in someone at risk. The first force is the person thinks they’re a burden on others; the second is that they can withstand a high degree of pain; and the third is they don’t feel connected to others."

Lesson Number 3:

WHAT TO DO?

"It's this lack of connection (or lack of belonging) that we want to prevent. By inspiring people to take the time to ask "are you ok?" and listen, we can help people struggling with life feel connected long before they even think about suicide. It all comes down to regular, face-to-face, meaningful conversations about life. And asking “are you ok?” is a great place to start."

My point is this, if you are not prepared to hear the answer and to truly listen to that person respond, get prepared! If you are sincere in your question, take the time to read THIS INFORMATION and learn, how to contribute meaningfully to the conversation.

If you are feeling suicidal or experiencing suicidal ideology please contact a 24 hour counselling support service in your area. In Australia there is Lifeline: 13 11 14.

If you cannot find a link or phone number phone '000' in Australia, '911' in USA and here is a link to numbers for other countries.

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.” 

John Joseph Powell

The Tipping Point

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Suicide, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Mental Health issues of any kind.

If you performed a search on this blog under the heading #Depression, you would find about 9 posts.

I cannot off the top of my head tell you what exactly they are about, but given this blog name is "My Happy Endings", I would hope they all end with a positive slant, some may not however.

I have been travelling a road, and still do, of Depression. I do feel though that I have found a new direction of late and I am hopeful that I have found my tipping point, a point at which I will be less likely to go backwards again.

Today, as is always the case when a high profile person is admitted for Mental Health support or a successful suicide takes place and is all over the news, Twitter, Facebook, I am feeling the pain of my Depression.

I feel the pain of that person and I think of all the 'what ifs' as we process that such a worthy life is now over, never to be renewed.  I think of the pain of that family and all the friends who will never, ever again, be able to hold that person, to be able to speak to them, to be able to have that one last moment.

Once upon a time, all this exposure to another persons pain and torment would have triggered me, and by that I mean, would have sent me straight back to my darkest place, would have made me contemplate the other 'what ifs', would have sent me backwards on my road to recovery. Now, my heart simply breaks.

I have travelled a long and dark road, as do many people day in day out. Some never find a fork in the road, some never find the hill on the road that lifts them to the place where they can see a different perspective, some never meet the people on the road that will make a difference in their life's journey, some, simply find that black dark hole and don't know how to climb out of it.

Some people imagine that they would be doing other people a favour if they were no longer around, some people have so much pain from life's pressures that all they want is for that pain to stop and some people are so lost in a cycle of instability they believe thinking straight may never again be an option.

The one thing I know is that those who are left, in an attempt to understand, start analysing, assuming, looking for the answer as to why, why did such a person take their own life, why did our person?

Sadly, this information will do nobody any good …

If you know a person who struggles with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD or any Mental Health issue, talk to them now, find out what it is that keeps them here now, THAT is helpful information, THAT is what may make the difference, the other thing that may make a difference is taking a walk with them on that road of life, try to be there, THAT may help. Keep them here and engaged with those things that keep them holding on to life, the things that keep them engaged with life, with people, with their better perspective.

I write this from my perspective alone, everyone has their own road to travel, every story is different and every person deals with their life's struggles in the way they see fit.  But we must ask, we cannot know, unless we ask. Talk, converse, engage with your person.


If you or anyone you know is in need of support please contact:

Australia - Lifeline 13 11 14

USA call toll-free 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

This is a link to other numbers internationally
International Association for Suicide Prevention

OR PHONE A FRIEND!

SERIOUSLY, JUST DO THAT!

Rest In Peace you gentle man ...

When I Write

To start this post I probably need to briefly explain why I write … I did write a post about it once before if you wanted to read that, (it was a good post), but the shorter version is that I need to express myself, I need to speak out or clear my mind at times of all that clutters it, sometimes I need to clear my heart.

Since I don't always have people on tap to chat to, I write.

I write when I have something to say (need a rant), I write when I am feeling sad (need to be a crybaby), I write when I am feeling happy (need to gloat) and sometimes, I write because I'm bored. There are other reasons too, for example, every April I blog every day in gratitude.

However, getting back to it, I didn't realise until last week how much I do actually write.

Source

I know, you are saying, "But she doesn't even blog every day!", and I don't, but I do find myself writing my random thoughts down by whatever means I have handy.  I find pieces of paper floating around the house with impulsive scribblings on them, I find notes in my phone that I have written while I've been out and had an epiphany, the thing that surprised me the most though was only a few days ago, when I decided to clear through some of my electronic documents and trash what I was done with, I stumbled upon a document I had written only two months ago … The thing that dumbfounded me was not that it was there, but that I could only vaguely remember writing it.

That seemed very odd because I had written it at a time of obvious emotion and it was a whole page of emotion laid out in black and white.  One thinks we will remember these things.  It seems our minds are much more self protective than we think, not allowing us to remember things that may hurt us or, may no longer be of use once put out there. Who really knows?

This makes a lot of sense though.

So, that really does bring me back to why I am writing today.

I found this note on my phone, it was written 25th October 2012. That was the year I moved my little family from a place of complete familiarity to an area none of us knew.  To a place where we knew nobody.  I was trying my best to make connections, to meet new friends, to form new networks and this is what I wrote …

Don't lie to me or mislead me in an attempt to be kind. You won't make me upset by telling me you don't want to have coffee with me or start a new friendship because you have a busy life already, or you are suffering depression and don't want to socialise, or you can't fit any other people or relationships into your life, or you simply believe we have nothing to offer each other. I am not going to judge your reasons, I will respect them. Do respect me enough to be honest. When you lie to me once, u will need to keep doing that, and when I find out, I will judge you, I will also judge myself. Let's just be honest and not waste each others time or judge each other. Let's respect each other.

I do remember writing this, but I was still surprised I had kept it on my phone, so, I thought I would share it.

There is a good message there for us all …

Let's respect each other.

Carers Return To Work! Yes you, go on, go ...

Well Mr Abbott, this, is a wonderful idea. I'd love to be able to accrue Superannuation, paid holidays, have a lunch break, be eligible for sick leave knowing all along, there is the back up support for my child so that I can return to the work force at the employable age of 51.

(Note: When I Googled "Employed Older Women" to find an image to insert here, I got Liza Minnelli and Julie Bishop and lots of graphs), says it all really!

There was no shortage of beautiful images when I Googled "Employed Women" however.

Gratuitous "Pretty Flowers" image

I could not think of an option more appealing than to be able to be a valued part of society again by way of a well paid work placement! Because we all know, the only person who values a Carer is the person being cared for. Mind you, when that person is your son, sometimes, they don't even appreciate it.

To be able to first and foremost, get a job with the lack of qualifications I have after 11 years at home with my child, (despite my requests over the years for hands-on support so I could stay up-to-date with training or work experience but was denied those opportunities by various Governments, due to the comparative cost), would be a bonus!

To be employed with inclusive work practises, seems like a dream come true, which will allow for the many days or part days I will need to be at home with my sick, disabled child or to attend Physio, Speech, OT, Cardiologist, Paediatric, Paediatric Ophthalmologist, Podiatry, Specialist Dental, Cleft Palate all day Clinics, Pathology, Minor procedures, Disability Parenting Training Days, Sensory Training Days and all the other unforeseen days that will require me leaving work in response to an emergency that nobody else can attend to in relation to my child, who by the way is seen to only have Moderate care needs, this list would be ten times longer for many Carer/Loved one relationships where care levels involve medical procedures. I'm assuming, eventually, the NDIS will cover the cost of all this though … 

Not to mention the Mental Health Days I'm betting I'll need as I adjust back into the work force working 18 hours, 7 days a week, being that I am an unsupported Single Parent Carer. Not only will the pressure of working those hours moving forward take it's toll, keep in mind I have previously been isolated because of my Full Time Carer role, and I can assure you, it has already done my head in.

So, Mr Abbott, explain to me again, how exactly is this going to work without compromising the health and well being of myself, my child and the underpinning structures it has taken me the best part of 11 years of begging, negotiating and manipulating to put in place to support our ever changing sets of circumstance?

Or is this just more of the heavy lifting you obviously feel us Carers have not been doing?