Family - Bah Humbug Warning

This cute pic came from here

Lady Diana Spencer aka Princess Diana or Lady Di.  Now there's a name or three we all know.  No matter how old you are, even if you weren't alive in her lifetime, most people will know that name. She is famous not only for her position within the English Royal Family, but for the Humanitarian opportunities that position afforded her. The cute penguin picture above comes from a website that is a list of quotes from many people, and also lists many of the wonderful things Lady Di said. Some profound, some sentimental and some just sounded wonderful, because she said them.  People listened to her, they loved her.

This is why I wish she had said something more than this about family, something realistic.

What if you have no family.  What if your friends are the only constant you have in your life?  When it comes to the crunch, where do you fit in "that" family? What if you are not a part of the "huddle" depicted above?

Lone Penguin

It is wonderful to have good friends. I know. I'm blessed with many good friends. *Waves to those who I have heard from over Christmas*

I have lifelong friends that make it feel like we've never been apart when we get together, friends I've met at work and still keep in touch with despite life changes and location, friends who have been brought in to my life through common denominators and who have been great strength and support for me, friends who share many of life's woes with me and we support each other; I have many friends.

Friends, not family.

So when people say (and believe) that family is the most important thing in the world, where does that leave me and people like me?

I can tell you.

You are never the first person they phone with good news like the announcement of an engagement, wedding, pregnancy; on the other side of that, I suppose it is a good thing, you will never be the person to get "that" phone call either.

When your friends have family functions, you always hear about them, later, and how wonderful they were and how much fun was had and how happy everyone was. Or, in this day and age, you get to see the photos on Facebook.

Precious moments of "drop in" and visit never happen, people always plan to see their friends, make appointments, plan an outing.

When you fight with friends, they don't have to be your friend anymore. When you reconcile with friends, the relationship is scarred, it is never the same and there is no pressure from within any structure for it to be repaired, it's just you and your friend.

You very rarely hear families say, oh well, if he/she (brother/sister, Uncle/Aunt) is going to be like that, you are better of without him/her in your life. Again, the pressure from within is there persisting with the value of that family relationship and being part of a bigger whole.

WHY NOW? WHY THE FUCK NOW?  I hear you ask .... Come on Sandra, we are all still trying to get our colons to work properly after the feast that was, wallowing in the glow of over indulgence and simply being spoilt by our loved ones ... We are getting ready to make ourselves sick again, and try to stay up until midnight for the fireworks! We are away, on holidays, with our families ..... OOOOOOOHHHHHHH, now you get it.

This concept is what I ponder at this time of year, every year, because it is said, about this time of year ... "It's all about spending time with your family, being together.".

I've taken to just saying to people "We don't do Christmas", "We're not Christians" etc in response to the questions, 1. How was your Christmas Day? 2. What did you do? 3. Did Santa come? 4. What did you get? 5. Are you going away? 6. What are you doing for New Year? At least people who know me have learnt to be polite and not to ask about family, probably more to save themselves the embarrassment than for the emotions it may (or may not) stir in me.

Well, here are the answers.

1. I spent the day trying not to cry in front of the kids and justifying my complete disdain for the whole holiday. So, the answer is "Good!" Since I didn't actually cry at any point.

2. We slept in until about 10am, we sat around for most of the rest of the day, we all had showers, we went for a drive, we came home, we had dinner and we all went to bed.

3. No, Santa never actually comes, he is a lie, a marketing ploy.

4. Here's what we got ... that will save me having to recite the list again! (See pic below)

5. Ummmm, No ...

6. I will be in bed by 11pm.

So, I suppose you are all wondering what gem I will pull from my repertoire to make this seem like there is a Happy Ending .... well there is, NOW you are all more aware that not everyone has what is considered a "Normal" Christmas.

Now, maybe when you, out of habit, ask that friend of yours, your colleague, the woman at the check out in Coles what they did for Christmas, you might consider, the answer may not be what you expected. Loneliness is a feeling that people experience all, year, round. It doesn't go away on "special days", those days are special because of the experience of the day, and if you have nobody to share that experience with, well ...

Christmas, Easter, New Year etc etc, are different for everyone, and while our Christmas seems to have been one nobody would want, it was ours, and, despite all else, we have a roof over our heads, we did not starve to death, we weren't bombed nor was our house ransacked or set on fire, like the reality of people in various parts of the world, so, we still have much to be grateful for. So there ...

In utter loneliness a writer tries to explain the inexplicable. John Steinbeck

Coming Home

I sometimes wonder how I have got through life at the hands of such a dysfunctional family.

It was only recently that I admitted to a Psychologist that I believed I did not know how to "feel", ANYTHING!

Not just love, nor hate, frustration, sadness, joy ... no not just one or two emotions or feelings ... ALL OF THEM! Some I do not know the names of because we have never been introduced.

However, after this weekend just gone, I may have to rethink that.

While I did grow up in a family that was less than supporting, caring or nurturing, I was lucky enough to have grown up in a time where the idea of a Community raising a child still existed.

I have a pseudo family, one I have known since I met my sister when we were 4 years old.  We were at Preschool, and we became friends.  It turned out we lived in the same street, so as we grew up, spending time with each other was not hard to do.

I became a part of her family, just because I never went home! I loved her Parents and her sister and even her Aunties; her cats and dogs, her parrot that "wolf whistled" every time we walked in the back yard, we played with guinea pigs and so many other family pets over the years.  We played as a community in the street with all the other kids that never went home; and we shared our childhood.

We climbed on garage roofs to eat mulberries straight off the tree, we caught tadpoles at the local creek (along with a few leaches) and watched them grow into frogs, we drew tennis courts on the road of our dead end street and held Wimbledon style competitions for all to compete in.

We recorded our own radio shows (on cassette recorders) and had imaginary friends who kept us occupied for many hours at a time. We took pet mice to school in our pencil cases, or our imaginary friends. We had gymnastics competitions in the back yard and swam in the pool in summer.

I got in trouble from her Mum and Dad when we did not do what was required of us, or if we pushed the boundaries from time to time. But I also felt part of the family as a result of that discipline, like someone cared enough to set me straight.

We went to Church (as everyone in our community did) even if you were not Religious, just because that was where all the community activities were held. We went to Girls Brigade, Physical Culture, Dancing, Sunday School, Youth Group. We played tennis at the local courts and bought ice cream on the way home at "George's Corner Shop", where we all learnt to play a pinball machine, not to mention Pacman and Space Invaders when they first became "the thing"!

And when I reminisce like this, I wonder how I could possible have been so sad as a child ... but I do know ... it was when I had to go home.

I had to relive that feeling this weekend, my best friend remarried and I was lucky enough to be there to help her celebrate, to revel in her joy and be a part once more of her family.  It was wonderful too to be able to spend so much time with our sister, and nieces and nephews and prospective son and daughter in laws, to be proud of all their achievements and to enjoy the adults they have become.
I felt like I had come home ... and then, once again, I had to go home ...

But I now understand, that I do feel, that I do love, that I am loved and that is because I was with people I can trust to respect my feelings,  to nurture them and to share them with me to allow myself to be vulnerable and know, I will not be hurt.

Thank you my sisters and my family.  I now know who you are.
I have come home xo

Another Happy Ending