I'll love my baby no matter what ...

Please Note: I have used pronouns here in places that may seem grammatically incorrect, but are respectful of the person I am referring to around their gender. I may not have the language perfect or completely correct, but I am trying. I apologise to any grammar police out there as I do appreciate it may make you squirm, but a heads up, you may just have to get used to it.

E.g. She, He or They Here is a link for further information

As young parents blessed with a new arrival, we hope that our babies will only experience good health and happiness in life, we hope they will not have to endure never learning to sleep through the night. Even if that is actually the least of their concerns, but a huge concern for us.

We visualise well into their futures imagining them on many a pedestal accepting many an award. We ALWAYS imagine them with smiles on their faces, because, lets face it, when it really comes down to tin tacks, that is all that we do really want for our kids, is that they are happy.

I've never worried about what my kids will do for work, I've only ever said that if they can find what they love and make that their jobs, they will always be happy in their work.

I've also tried to teach them self worth and to know that nobody has the right to not value them for who they are, if you come across those people in life, walk away.

I've only ever focused on the life lessons that I knew about, the ones I myself had experienced and the ones I felt qualified enough to talk about.

After all, we don't really think about all the other millions of things that have not touched our lives in some way … until they do.

Now some background information … *fade to playground at Local Primary School circa 1972* ….

When I was in Primary School I had a best friend, his name for the sake of this story, was Nick. Nick and I used to hang out all the time.  I liked doing boy things and he liked hanging with us girls. Not that we ever made any assumptions about that, we were all just mates, sexuality, at that time, an unknown entity.

When we went to High School and we started to meet other kids from other schools, Nick found a group of other kids that he seemed to feel more comfortable with and although we all said hello from time to time, we saw less of each other. I missed his conversations and his laughter.

Me, being Queen of Naive, found out much later that Nick was gay, and I think a part of me loved him even more for just being himself.

I went on to work in travel where I met a lovely man named, for the sake of this story, Nick 2, him and I used to have lunch together and talk about all sorts of things, mainly his travels and the ones I was looking forward to having. When I left that job I missed his sense of adventure and vision.

I later worked in a bank where I met and befriended Nick 3, we used to go out picking up men together at piano bars and the likes. Nick 3 was much more refined than me … and I missed that and his intellect and cheeky grin when we parted ways.

I loved those Nicks, not because they were gay, but because they were fun, interesting, intelligent, caring and they were all good friends of mine, who lifted me up with their own sense of value and self worth, because each of them were complete individuals and comfortable in their own skin.

So when I realised my son did not seem happy and did not seem as comfortable in his own skin as the memories I had of my friends from years gone by, I couldn't figure it out.

Much time has passed since MJ first came out to me, we have had many things happen in that time, MJ has transitioned through friendships and found a group where he feels safe and comfortable, he is intelligent and has a vision for his future and he wants to travel and one day have special relationships such as the ones we all hope for.

Recently I learnt something very important about one of the things that have not been a part of my life and as far as I know, a thing that I had not experienced. That, is the concept of Genderqueer. I didn't realise that while sexuality is a very individual thing, so is gender.

Genderqueer - Beyond the Binaries

And now, now that I know that and they has found the courage to be themself, things are going to get better. They can now plan a life that will meet their needs, that will be the life they sees for themself (I still hope that involves lots of pedestals and accolades because they deserves them), and while, when this wonderful young person was born I could never have imagined this life for them, I still want them to have whatever it is that makes them happy. Because I'll love my baby no matter what.


If you or anyone you know would like more information on the subject of Genderqueer please contact Genderqueer Australia on 03 8640 9796 or via This Link Or The Gender Centre in Sydney 02 9569 2366

Should you require urgent assistance, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14

I want to live in a world where the words male and female are flexible and subjective, even redundant. A world of perpetual transformation, where sexuality and gender become obsolete as people begin to question why they should be the same person, day in, day out. A world where the overriding ethos is to question and explore your sexuality and gender without the restrictions prevalent in 'normal' society. Questioning what is masculine and what is feminine is about redrawing the boundaries (or removing them altogether) surrounding activities that are seen as inherently male or female. I long for a world where the old oppositions of male/female, masculine/feminine, heterosexual/homosexual have dissolved. I want to live in a world where I am free to be whoever I want to be, whenever I want to be, male, female, other or neither -  I have been advised this piece should be attributed to a young Trans person named Silver Taylor

Raising Awareness Is NOT Enough!

I need to point out that this post was written quite some time ago and has been sitting as a draft, which I have now finally finished. And here it is.

After briefly hearing Ita Buttrose speak on TV about Dementia and Dementia Awareness in her role as Alzheimer Australia's National President, I found what she was saying to be very familiar.

Ita was talking about raising awareness and was responding to a question of funding.  The question was about where do we get the money? A good question.

Ita is an extremely intelligent and thoughtful woman and I have a great deal of respect for her and the way she has lived her life so I was not at all surprised to find her response to be something along these lines ... (not in quotations or italics because this is from my memory - not her words at all).

No we can't go asking the Government for money for everything, there is only so much money available in the pot. This needs to be a community initiative. The whole idea of awareness is to involve the community who at large are the ones we are asking to support our people with Dementia. (End of my recollection of Ita's words)

Source

Awareness is awareness.  It doesn't matter if you are talking about Dementia, Autism, Variable Religious Beliefs, Down syndrome, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Muscular Dystrophy, Heart Attacks, Depression, Diabetes any difference.

That is all it is about. People's differences. When we have differences, our needs are different, when it comes to interacting within a community, that can mean we need to do it differently. Or is it that other people need to interact with us differently?

When I interact within my community, I communicate by voice, I speak. I also listen. There are days that I can go about my whole day without having to speak except to say thank you as I pass through a check out.

On the odd occasion I find myself having to ask a question about a product or a location and because I can speak and hear, that is easy for me to do, given the people I am approaching can also speak and hear.

What if I could not speak?

Think of your day just going about your grocery shopping, getting petrol, paying bills, making phone calls, going to collect kids from school and taking them to their after school activities.

How different would that be, if you could not speak?

How would you cope?

Source

Yes, I know you could write down what you wanted to say, but what if the person you were trying to communicate with, couldn't read?

Yes, I know, there are all sorts of augmentative communication methods available now, but what if you approached someone that did not recognise the device you were using and just thought you were trying to sell something, therefore not giving you the time of day? Or, they just didn't have the time to deal with that difference in the way you need to communicate in that moment?

What if your speech was not very clear and you had an intellectual delay and you asked a stranger for assistance?

What if you were deaf and your speech was not clear and you had an intellectual delay and you needed to ask a stranger for help?

What if you were in a wheel chair and you had no intellectual delay, but your speech was very slurred and you were difficult to understand and you had to ask a stranger for help?

What ... If you were having a Heart Attack and you looked like a drunk stumbling around, bodily functions out of control and you could not speak because you were unable to draw a breath? Do you think anyone would stop?

What if you were dizzy and losing consciousness because your sugar levels were way out and all you needed to do was let one person know what was happening to you before you blacked out completely? How many people would listen?

What if you simply looked different? You had a scar on your face, you wear very strong thick eye glasses, you looked unlike a man or a woman, you were very tall or very short, your levels of hygiene might not be up to that which is considered "normal"? Would anyone say hello or smile at you?

What if you needed a safe place to sit for a moment because you were being bullied and/or harassed and you were feeling unsafe or unsure just because you were different? How many people would sit with you?

What if you were lost and completely disoriented because you were out of your normal comfort zone and your ability to work outside of a routine or familiar sequence was limited or you were feeling anxious? How many people would know how to help you?

The reason I ask is this ... I can't get people to smile back at me on the street most of the time, much less have them converse with me and I don't want anything from them, just a simple exchange of pleasantries!

The reason we ask for awareness is so that our people with a difference can be supported within the community which they have a legal right to be a part of for as long as they choose to. The sad part is, that legislating for these things cannot change people's attitudes, neither can funding to "Make People Aware". People only want to learn that which is of interest to them and relevant to their own lives!

Integration, support, inclusion ... these all need community INVOLVEMENT AND PARTICIPATION, not simply awareness. 

Awareness is surely a part of it, if we know the needs of others, we can be prepared, but the issue is really, finding the people who want to be inclusive, supportive and active in the integration process.

Unless you know someone who is what society considers to be different, then you have no need or inclination to be active in this support process and making it law does nothing to inspire people to want to be involved.

Anti Discrimination laws have been helpful in litigating after the fact, but the real fact is, discrimination is still alive and well. If it weren't, we wouldn't need the laws!

It should not come down to legal rights, or funding, it is about HUMAN RIGHTS.

Source

Every individual person, no matter how you interpret them, or misunderstand them, or even if you are completely ignorant of their difference, still has a right to choose to be a part of a community.

The reason we find it so difficult to make this happen however, is because there are so many differences.

For most people is it hard enough to live with their own differences.  For some, their differences don't limit them physically or intellectually. Often their limitations are external to them in the form of bigotry from others,  but for many, the physical and mental stresses of surviving with their differences makes it difficult to be a part of a community that does not support their differences.

We hear the cries of ... But we have disabled parking spots! We have special seating at entertainment venues and there are ramps everywhere now! Even those "travelator" things are replacing escalators everywhere!

And, don't get me wrong, that's great! And that covers the mobility needs of the people who need wheelchairs. Whoopee!

That is one group of people who seek inclusive support, it is actually a token attempt at inclusion.

And how is it inclusive if a person in a wheel chair has to sit in the specially allocated spots for wheelchairs with all the other people in wheelchairs and can't sit with the friend they came to the concert with?  THAT is actually segregation!

Like Ita Butttrose, I ask for Community Interest, Community Action and most of all, Community Inclusion.  If that means Educating people and raising Awareness, then so be it.

But who will commit, which one of you would be capable, understanding, time rich enough to take the time out of your own day to stop and redirect your thoughts, your habits, your instincts, your schedule to actually physically include someone who has a difference?

Who will be that community?

"Inclusion is not a strategy to help people fit into the systems and structures which exist in our societies;
 it is about transforming those systems and structures to make it better for everyone.


Inclusion is about creating a better world for everyone."

Diane Richler, President, Inclusion International

And even as I hit "publish" I realised this post does not include all areas that require inclusion.
We are such a diverse world, and ALL people deserve equality and access.

Our Mardi Gras Experience

Thank you to all of my readers who enjoyed and commented on Gay Pride or Mum Pride. and all the Tweets of support and encouragement.

As promised, herewith is the follow up post.

So you know what to expect, let me just say, I will not be commenting on the events that took place involving Police after Mardi Gras in this post, however, it is highly possible there will be another post that covers that!

I left off in the above post where I had dropped MJ to catch the train to the city ... Fade to memory shot like in the movies.

On screen: Mum and younger sibling pulling away in the car from the train station ... worried look on Mum's face, younger sibling "Can we go to MacDonald's NOW?"
Narration: In the spirit of supporting my son and acknowledging his maturity and the trust I have in him, I decided to refrain from texting him every 5 minutes to be sure he was OK and off we went to Maccas.

A few hours later: Vision of me checking my phone with surprised look on my face and a big smile.
Narration: I was very relieved when I received a text from MJ letting me know they had arrived safely and had eaten!

Getting on with the day: More foggy memory vision (in slow motion) of Mother and younger sibling playing in the backyard with bubbles.
Narration: I then got on with my afternoon, enthusiastically keeping LJ entertained as a method of distracting myself.

Enough with the theatrics, life is theatrical enough! (not to mention how difficult that is to write).

I hurried to feed LJ, bath him and get him into bed (after of course reading him a book, or 10!), he was also noticing his brother's absence with many "W" questions causing a significant distraction to sleep.

The minute he was asleep, I took to Twitter, Facebook, MSM, anything ... to simply try to get some idea of how things were going at Mardi Gras. BECAUSE IT WAS NOT TELEVISED!!! Pretty sure there is a Petition in order over that!

I managed to get a bit of a running commentary and was soon aware that Mardi Gras 2013 had come to an end. Pondering my previous commitment to trust in MJ and allow him the level of autonomy he needed to be liberated as a Young Gay Man at his first Mardi Gras, I fought the urge to text him to see he was OK.

It paid off!  I received a text informing me that they were all safe and on their way to get some food. I waited a full 30 seconds before I replied with "That's good ... How was it?"

Back came the reply I had hoped for ... "It was beyond fabulous! Such an amazing vibe!"

Not long after the appetites had been suppressed, I received another text to say they would all be on the train home soon.

That was not the end of the night for us. Because we live so far from the city, MJ was staying the night with his friends whose parents had made room for 4 more teenagers in their home (Thank You!)

I received a few more unsolicited text messages with status updates and finally the one I always like to get when MJ is not at home, "Good night. Sweet Dreams. Love you. xo"

And so I slept.

Happy Ending: When MJ arrived home the next day, we talked for hours. I have to say just one more time how proud I am of him. 

The insights he gained from this experience, the fun he was able to have, the way he responsibly did what was required of him to ensure his safety and how he embraces all people without prejudice or judgement just makes me look forward to what he will accomplish in this world.

We could all take a leaf out of that book.

The NOH8 Campaign is a charitable organisation whose mission is to promote marriage, gender and human equality through education, advocacy, social media, and visual protest.  http://www.noh8campaign.com/

This is not a sponsored post

Gay Pride or Mum Pride

After thumping out my post of Things That Make Me Smile, I of course thought of many more things. As you do. 

But one thing, or person, who makes me smile, in fact, makes me grin with bursting pride, is my eldest son MJ. 

Disclaimer: The little one has the same effect on me although for different reasons. 

When MJ was 12, he came to me looking a bit nervous and with a very serious look on his face, not to mention all the other body language that was going on and told me he needed to talk to me.

We had had a tedious year, for want of a better word. I had recognised that this was probably due to puberty creeping into our otherwise peaceful home and had duly done copious amounts of reading on the subject. But generally, things were still OK.

I had noticed on this occasion my usually outspoken, confident, articulate son was taking a bit of a back seat it seemed; so I was immediately on alert. I became very concerned as terrible scenarios started to play in my mind. He NEEDED to talk to me! Oh.My.God., what could be so terrible that not only was my usually very talkative son preempting his need to talk to me, but he looked so terribly worried?

I took a very deep breath and tried to clear my mind, which had already come up with at least 20 awful things that might have happened or might be about to happen. 

Being a bit later in the night and with his brother asleep in bed, I asked him if he would like a hot chocolate, and so we both had one and we sat on opposite sides of the kitchen bench facing each other. Our usual positions to engage in open, honest communication. It was difficult, but I tried to do more listening than I am at times known for, because I knew whatever this was, it was important and I needed to give him my full attention.

And there it was, after much uncharacteristic small talk, hypotheticals, facts and talk of statistics and research already done, the words finally came.
"Mum, I am gay."

NOT, I think I might be, or I am not sure but, nor was there any hesitation or quiet voice. Right from the very first time my son had said those words out loud, he was a proud gay man! I immediately knew he would be OK.

I already knew he had it in him to have the maturity, confidence and self esteem to be whoever his path in life would make of him, but I was glad to hear with those four words that he knew who he was!

I don't know if that makes me a proud gay mother, but however the sequence of words, the most valuable of them all is proud.



Gay Pride Flag

The colours represent: Red for life, orange for healing, yellow for sun, green for serenity with nature, indigo for harmony and violet for spirit.

It turns out his nerves were for me, he was worried about me, not what he had to tell me, nor really my reaction and I am still not sure if he thought I would feint or have a heart attack, but I hope he never for even a split second thought there would be anything negative in this news to me. Because I am proud of him. I am proud he can stand up and be counted for who he is, that he is already advocating for the GLBTIQ (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, gender Queer or Questioning) Community, that he is making friends across all walks of life and most of all, that he is following his heart to be the best person he can possibly be in all areas of his life.

I told him that while I was intrigued that we had never before really touched on the subject, I was actually not very surprised, you see, he is my son and I love him and as a result of having spent a lot of time with him those previous 12 years, I had sort of got to know him. As you do. He then informed me that he had been feeling this for a year, so he knew when he was 11 that he was gay, but because of societal attitudes, he had not know what to do with that information, hence our "tedious" year. 

Rainbow Pedestrian Crossing on Oxford Street near Taylor Square Sydney

Today as I write this MJ is nearly 16 and is at Mardi Gras under the expert supervision of an organisation that has lent its support and provided valuable services within the GLBTIQ Community for some thirty years!  He is with friends, advocates, professionals and people who support not only the GLBTIQ Community, but the Youth of that Community, he is with twenty10. 

As I dropped him at the train station, I admitted to him it was freaking me out sending him on his way to Mardi Gras, but I also told him how proud I am of him, also, how to not drink any water unless he knew exactly where it had been, how to stay together, how to wear his rain poncho and not get too wet, and most of all, to have a wonderful time and enjoy himself as any 16 year old should be able to do dressed as a dinosaur!

What's with the Hate?

As a parent of a child with a Disability and a child who is Gay*, I have had to learn to look at life from a different perspective. I now try to incorporate a little bit of love and understanding into everything I see, hear and learn. So, what's with all the hate in our society?

It will probably be difficult for you to believe that I was  ...  a teenager once. Yeah right! I hear you cry ... alas, it is true.

I was angry, I hated my parents, I just wanted to leave school, I only wanted to speak real words with my friends and grunted at adults, I knew everything (wish I had written it down) and, I called a spade a spade! ONLY, because I was ALWAYS right; which happens when you know everything! Right?

I had time for only those that I considered friends (which, when you are a teenager, is any friend who is speaking to you on that particular day) and, as I was a bit of a social butterfly, I had many passing conversations with just about anyone, so I had many "friends".

Which is why, when I organised a school reunion some 20 years later, I was surprised to find out how many people I went to school with who actually had life long illnesses, family tragedies, different sexual orientations* to me, genetic disorders, drug or alcohol addictions and a list of other things that I thought I would have known ... particularly since I knew everything! Right?

It turned out that while I thought I knew it all, I had in fact been walking around with my head in the clouds. Which for a teenager is pretty normal, and all I really knew about was me! My needs, my wants, my needs, my wants ... you get it? Right? This probably explains why I really didn't understand much about Sexual orientation* or our Gender Diverse* communities, OR .... The Hate!
I simply wasn't aware of it. Didn't concern me? Right?

So, it was quite a surprise for me to learn, many years later, that until South Australia decriminalised homosexuality* in 1975 (first Australian State to do so), that it had actually been illegal to be Gay*, and not just in Australia!

Hang on ... I went to school with two people that were Gay*, right? I know that because they were my friends too (on the days they spoke to me). Right?

BAHAHAHAHA - YOU!!! YOU WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING!!! JUST TWO PEOPLE GAY* ... BAHAHAHAHA I say again ... (just for effect)

There were approximatley 180 people in my Year 10 at High School, so based on what we now know statistically, that meant I actually went to school with at least 18 people who identified as GLBTI (Gay*, Lesbian*, Bisexual*, Transgender*, Intersex*) and more who were probably gender questioning (Q*) and probably never resolved their gender or sexual orientation* because of the disgusting discrimination and abuse that was rampant at that time. (And lack of information or support) 1970s. Thank God much has changed ... but not enough!

(If you or someone you know are seeking support or information about any of this, I have supplied some links at the end which may help.)

I now know of men and women who simply married the opposite gender, had kids and built a life (probably in misery) just so they would not be a victim of abuse or worse ... murder! Which by the way still happens today in other countries. See here (with caution). Simply to preserve their opportunity to have a fair shot at a "normal life" like their heterosexual* peers had the legal right to!

Discrimination wasn't just obvious then, it was an expectation! If you were different and you wanted to be seen in the "normal community" for who you were, you were expected to cop the crap that was dished up to you. That was your CHOICE!

AND .... there it is .... that ridiculous, uneducated opinion.  YOUR CHOICE!

The GLBTIQ community do not choose their sexual orientation, NONE OF US DO!

AND, as some famous person once said "Baby, I was born this way!" ALL OF US WERE!

While I am on THAT discussion, saying you do not choose to be a specific sexual orientation*, does not mean you wouldn't choose it!!!

Being GLBTIQ is not like being a member of any Religious or Political group that we do choose to be a part of, (not to target anyone in particular by providing theses links Gaynor, Corbett).

We can not only choose the group we wish to be a part of, but we can also choose how to incorporate the teachings of that group into our lives. We can take or leave as much as we like of what we learn when we go to these meetings at those places of worship or group studies.  We can apply it to our lives firstly based on our own interpretation of those teachings and, how we logically choose it will fit into our lives based on the person that we are and how we choose to present ourselves! So we research, assess, decide and apply, all by choice. And have a great deal of faith, that at the end of the day, we have got it right. However, not everyone gets it right! Like here for example. Where religious beliefs were imposed on others, and ruled discrimination by a court of law.

Even if we have been raised in a home where specific beliefs have been instilled and demonstrated to us, we still have an ability as humans to think for ourselves and decide what side of an argument we will take. (like Jimmy Carter did after a life in the church, read here in Losing my Religion) What is moral and what is not, what is right or wrong! Those are choices, such as how we choose to think about other people's differences, how we speak of them and ultimately, how we treat them! All Human Beings are capable of undergoing this decision making process.

These processes of choice are not something that we can apply to our sexuality/sexual orientation*! NOBODY CAN!
Sexuality/sexual orientation* is not a choice, it is a part of who you are! Baby, you were born that way! "No matter gay, straight or bi Lesbian, transgendered life" etc Full Lyrics "Born This Way"

So, simply because specific people have a set of beliefs/values that were taught to them by people who quote from books that were written before even our Great Grandparents were a twinkle in their Father's eye, does not mean those opinions can be imposed on others in an attempt to disguise those opinions as law! Just because you think you know everything. Discrimination is discrimination, no matter how you disguise it. Let's stop the hate!

The Happy Ending in all this, will be when the laws of our country reflect the view of the people who have grown beyond thinking like I did as a teenager, the laws will reflect that all people are to be treated as equals, morally and legally, it is a matter of equality in HUMAN rights. Full stop.

So who will you be? Will you be a person who accepts others for who they are and respects the way they live their lives? Or will you be, to quote a friend of mine, "an ignorant bigot ... pure and simple"?



If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.  ~  Mary Engelbreit

* Footnote: Please do not confuse any of the terms above as being descriptive of any sexual act. THEY ARE NOT. These terms have been framed over many years for the benefit of people who cannot just accept others for who they are but need a descriptive term that is ultimately irrelevant to anyone other than the person it describes. People that identify within these descriptives, are Human Beings! THAT is really the only descriptive we need for any person.

Helpful Supportive Links:

If you are a part of the GLBTIQ community or have a child who is coming out and would like some support please find some links below.

If you have a family member or are the parent of a child in the GLBTIQ community you may like to know about PFLAG Australia to help you to learn to support your family member.

Sydney Twenty10
Melbourne GLHV
Perth WA Gender Project
TransGender Victoria
Canberra Based - GLBTIQ Rights (Human Rights) A Gender Agenda
Australia wide Lifeline
USA Our True Colors