Depression - A true account

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Suicide, Domestic Violence.

I am posting this today, but I give notice that I wrote this about 12 months ago. I was too vulnerable then to put it out to the world. I'm doing well today, so here goes. Hope it can be of assistance to someone.

I know from time to time, the internet explodes with stories of people living with depression. Usually, this is brought about by a very public disclosure of a celebrity living with depression or having suicided.

My awareness of depression or suicide is simply by being me. I have written this post from my perspective and am not speaking for any other person as everyone's experience is different.

I live with anxiety and depression. It seems, I have lived with them (and suspected PTSD) most of my life due to being a child victim of Domestic Violence, and am now looking at a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD, which explains a lot). I was not diagnosed with Depression formally until I was in my late 40s, despite bouts of Post Natal Depression with both children, and the Anxiety has just been something I have come to understand as being my default because of the Trauma, through much counselling.

Now that I understand and recognise my behaviour when I am anxious or depressed, it makes it easier to see how my life has played out as it has. The contribution that BPD has also made is that I have made bad decisions, life changing ones, in the blink of an eye, because I did not know how to manage my anxiety, mainly because I did not know I had it. I just thought that was me.

I have encountered conflict because I was too anxious to say what I really felt, and being frustrated by this, have displayed anger, I have been walked all over and missed opportunities due to my inability to express my needs or trust in people who might have been able to help me.

Depression and anxiety change who I am, they change the way I live, the way I relate to other people, the way I parent, interact with colleagues, plan my day/week/month, they effect my ability to be punctual and reliable, to make choices about relationships, finances, job opportunities, education. They steal away my chances at a better life if I simply cannot perform at the level I need to in any given situation.

For anyone reading this right now who is thinking I am over dramatising this, or why don't you just take Anti Depressants, practice Mindfulness, learn Yoga and Meditation, get a hobby, cheer up … Firstly, here is a link to Beyond Blue so you can educate yourself as to what Depression actually is, secondly, how Depression is managed is different for every single person and usually involves a combination of many things, including support and understanding from others. Not forgetting my other diagnosis'.

There are thousands of Anti Depressants on the market. Currently, I am trying my 4th type in 12 months because the particular medication I had been on for a number of years, when increased to combat Anxiety brought on by a major life trauma, only made the anxiety worse, so I had to find another medication that would work for me. I am still looking, trying one after the other, experiencing side effects that cannot be lived with such as nose bleeds, blurred vision, insomnia, constipation, dry mouth, increased anxiety/depression, vertigo, exhaustion, high blood pressure etc, and therefore moving on to the next medication to see if it suits me.

The reason I have decided to write about this today is that I know others who also have bouts of or live daily with depression, anxiety and PTSD, and I know of people who, when a disclosure is made, want to help. But don't know how.

The last time I had a really bad day and decided to disclose to a friend who had encouraged me to call her "anytime, day or night" she was so overwhelmed by my emotions, she admitted later to me that she nearly had me scheduled. For those of you who are not aware of what that means, it is being taken to hospital for a period of 72 hours against your will, usually by Police, with no option to leave. What I had needed was for her to listen to me talk and cry (sob really) and possibly share a cup of tea, but I could not express that.

When I am at my darkest with depression, it is due to the negative self talk that I fight every day, having won dominance. I start to doubt my ability to do anything. I question my worth and my value, I believe that the people who have offered to take my calls day or night, are not genuine because they never phone me … I understand why people never phone me, who would want to talk to or spend time with a person who is depressed? And so, I will not phone them.

Catch 22 … Connectedness is a major factor in combating depression, but when people do not phone me or invite me or call in to see me, that is exactly what I lack, connectedness. I have many people say, "Let's have coffee" or lunch or go out or …. But they never follow up, they wait for me to call, but I won't, because I don't want to burden them with me, to interrupt their lives, to use up time they would prefer to be spending with their families.

While R U OK? Day is a great program, very few people truly understand what it is about. It is about starting conversations. It is NOT about phoning a friend once a year to see if they are ok.

If you truly want to help a friend who is living with any Mental Health issue, ask them what they need, have that conversation, keep having that conversation, regularly, then you will know how to help them.

R U OK? and Social Media?

Trigger Warnings: Suicide, Suicidal Ideology, Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety.

For those of you who may not already know, I am studying Community Service Work Certificate IV.

The reason I am mentioning this is because of a particular subject we are covering just now, which has become even more relevant to my own personal experience with the up coming event of 'R U OK? Day' looming.

I often ask the question "Does R U OK? Day have a place on Social Media?” my answer is no. But that is just my opinion, the opinion of a person who does not feel connected, I am sure there are other opinions based on your own perspective/s. This post is not actually about inviting a discussion of our opinions however.

I've always said I don't want all my friends sending me a message on Facebook all on the one day of the year just because the media tell them it's the day to do it, particularly if they are not available to engage in your response when you post your reply later.

In my opinion, if you are doing this, then you have actually missed the point of the day.

People who are 'not OK' know it … you generally don't have to ask to get them to make a decision on that or to evoke thought on the subject, they think about it a lot. What they do need is a conversation or connectedness. So here are some points I have copied from the R U OK? Website in an attempt to help people understand truly, the seriousness and necessity of such a day.

Lesson Number 1:

R U OK? Day is about Suicide Prevention!

"R U OK? is a not-for-profit organisation founded by Gavin Larkin in 2009, whose vision is a world where we’re all connected and are protected from suicide. Accordingly, our mission is to encourage and equip everyone to regularly and meaningfully ask “are you ok?”

Lesson Number 2:

WHY?

"We know that suicide prevention is an enormously complex and sensitive challenge the world over. But we also know that some of the world’s smartest people have been working tirelessly and developed credible theories that suggest there’s power in that simplest of questions - “Are you ok?”"

"One of the most significant theories is by United States academic, Dr Thomas Joiner. Because his father took his own life, Thomas has dedicated his research to try and answer that question “why?”"


"His theory tries to answer that complex question by describing three forces at play in someone at risk. The first force is the person thinks they’re a burden on others; the second is that they can withstand a high degree of pain; and the third is they don’t feel connected to others."

Lesson Number 3:

WHAT TO DO?

"It's this lack of connection (or lack of belonging) that we want to prevent. By inspiring people to take the time to ask "are you ok?" and listen, we can help people struggling with life feel connected long before they even think about suicide. It all comes down to regular, face-to-face, meaningful conversations about life. And asking “are you ok?” is a great place to start."

My point is this, if you are not prepared to hear the answer and to truly listen to that person respond, get prepared! If you are sincere in your question, take the time to read THIS INFORMATION and learn, how to contribute meaningfully to the conversation.

If you are feeling suicidal or experiencing suicidal ideology please contact a 24 hour counselling support service in your area. In Australia there is Lifeline: 13 11 14.

If you cannot find a link or phone number phone '000' in Australia, '911' in USA and here is a link to numbers for other countries.

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.” 

John Joseph Powell

The Tipping Point

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Suicide, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Mental Health issues of any kind.

If you performed a search on this blog under the heading #Depression, you would find about 9 posts.

I cannot off the top of my head tell you what exactly they are about, but given this blog name is "My Happy Endings", I would hope they all end with a positive slant, some may not however.

I have been travelling a road, and still do, of Depression. I do feel though that I have found a new direction of late and I am hopeful that I have found my tipping point, a point at which I will be less likely to go backwards again.

Today, as is always the case when a high profile person is admitted for Mental Health support or a successful suicide takes place and is all over the news, Twitter, Facebook, I am feeling the pain of my Depression.

I feel the pain of that person and I think of all the 'what ifs' as we process that such a worthy life is now over, never to be renewed.  I think of the pain of that family and all the friends who will never, ever again, be able to hold that person, to be able to speak to them, to be able to have that one last moment.

Once upon a time, all this exposure to another persons pain and torment would have triggered me, and by that I mean, would have sent me straight back to my darkest place, would have made me contemplate the other 'what ifs', would have sent me backwards on my road to recovery. Now, my heart simply breaks.

I have travelled a long and dark road, as do many people day in day out. Some never find a fork in the road, some never find the hill on the road that lifts them to the place where they can see a different perspective, some never meet the people on the road that will make a difference in their life's journey, some, simply find that black dark hole and don't know how to climb out of it.

Some people imagine that they would be doing other people a favour if they were no longer around, some people have so much pain from life's pressures that all they want is for that pain to stop and some people are so lost in a cycle of instability they believe thinking straight may never again be an option.

The one thing I know is that those who are left, in an attempt to understand, start analysing, assuming, looking for the answer as to why, why did such a person take their own life, why did our person?

Sadly, this information will do nobody any good …

If you know a person who struggles with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD or any Mental Health issue, talk to them now, find out what it is that keeps them here now, THAT is helpful information, THAT is what may make the difference, the other thing that may make a difference is taking a walk with them on that road of life, try to be there, THAT may help. Keep them here and engaged with those things that keep them holding on to life, the things that keep them engaged with life, with people, with their better perspective.

I write this from my perspective alone, everyone has their own road to travel, every story is different and every person deals with their life's struggles in the way they see fit.  But we must ask, we cannot know, unless we ask. Talk, converse, engage with your person.


If you or anyone you know is in need of support please contact:

Australia - Lifeline 13 11 14

USA call toll-free 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

This is a link to other numbers internationally
International Association for Suicide Prevention

OR PHONE A FRIEND!

SERIOUSLY, JUST DO THAT!

Rest In Peace you gentle man ...

Loneliness is the killer

Trigger warnings: Suicide, Depression, Anxiety, Euthanasia, Family, Support, Mental Health

I wasn't going to buy into the current conversations about Depression that are all over Main Stream Media, Facebook, Twitter and I am sure, every other social media available to people.

But as a person who is suffering from Depression (no, not living with it), I can't stand the assumptions people make.

I will say right now, that my reality and what I see as fact may also appear to be assumptions for other people who are suffering from Depression or Living with it or, anywhere in the middle of those two extremes. Everyones journey is different.

I will also say I do not try to speak for, nor did I ever know this celebrity personally. This is just my perspective.

With the sad occurrence of a very well known personality having taken her life and that being attributed to her struggle with Depression, it makes me angry to hear the follow on statements like ... "So many people loved her" "If only she could see this outpouring of love" "I hope her beautiful soul is now at peace".

Where were all these people who love her? You never hear reports of people suiciding surrounded by all their friends and loved ones. (Excepting Euthanasia, although this, may not be that different.)

People suicide alone, because that is how they feel in that moment ... completely and utterly alone and hopeless.

This woman had a very active life, very involved in Social Media, Mainstream Media, Campaigns, Charity Events etc., etc.  She was a woman who gave so much of her time to others. And that is what kept her alive .... the time she spent with others.

It is the looking for happiness outside of oneself that keeps you involved in life and avoids the thoughts of suicide. And yet, it is a terrible addiction the need for love.

It is, when you are left to your own devices, that the symptoms of Depression start to creep in.

We don't need Social Media Trolls to make us feel bad about ourselves, we don't need to be confronted by other people to disagree with us about our values or principles to feel bad about ourselves, we certainly don't need to be excluded from social events or forgotten by friends who have had enough of our "Depression" to make us feel bad about ourselves ... NO, we can do all that for ourselves, that IS Depression.

When looking for a list of symptoms of Depression to post here, I found this site and the list they display:

Beyond Blue.

The only trouble is that they do not put enough emphasis on the "Thoughts" part of this.

Anyone can put on a good front, I'm sure our beautiful celebrity had done this on many, many occasions as she presented herself in public. You see, when you suffer from or live with Depression, you know that there is a time and place for everything. Imagine breaking down in tears on the red carpet, a person would be 'committed'.

People really don't  want to see your suffering, they are happy to know you have Depression, but they really don't want to understand it too well for fear they may have to get more involved in your life. Keep in mind also, not everyone has the family and personal relationships needed to sustain a life lived with Depression.

People don't want to be your therapist, they get sick of bolstering you over and over, and in the end treat you like a bit of a drama queen, eventually withdrawing from your life. People have their own lives, their own concerns, it takes a very serious friend or relationship to sustain the support a person with Depression really needs to help them to get to a place where they can "live with" their Depression, because it never is gone. And it takes many of those relationships.

If it were a physical illness and friends could simply wipe your brow, give you a pill, feed or hydrate you, it would be easy, because they can walk away after that.

You can't walk away from a person with Depression and assume they will take your advice, or they will look after themselves, or they are OK now ... Depression is a darkness, and left to feed on loneliness, it will kill.

Is this the face of Depression?

Take it from me ... YES, it is ...

Sourced from Twitter

Rest In Peace 

Footnote: If you have Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal thoughts or any other Mental Health Issue, be sure to seek ample professional support.