Me - 30th Day of Gratitude

Yes, I am fully aware today is the 3rd of May and not the 30th April … I've been a bit busy.

Well, not so much busy, I've been busy Procrastinating. Further explained here.

As that post explains, I am not talking about having had no motivation, I was procrastinating.

Anyway, that is not exactly the topic of discussion today.

Today I want to talk about me!  Isn't that what you talk about everyday? I hear you ask.

No, in fact, I generally talk about things that happen to me, things I've done, things my children have done, things I am grateful for etc., generally, I don't talk all that much about me, the person, ultimately because I try to focus my blog on Happy Endings, and as a person, I can't quite picture that one just yet, although I do feel I am getting a clearer picture everyday.

Many people in this world have had tough experiences, have lived in environments that were not conducive, to happiness, have seen much sadness, violence, anger, hate, or have even had these things levelled at them.  In some cases people have seen so much suffering around them, that they don't see their own pain or suffering as significant, that is sort of me.

This says it right

I can't imagine saying I might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when I think of our Service People who have gone to war, who have seen people killed (mates and opposition) who have had to kill or be killed; I saw my own Mother beaten at the hands of my Father and can't imagine being her or how my experience was difficult compared to women who suffer Domestic Violence; I've heard stories of sexual abuse and mutilation, (short and long term) (children and adults) and can't see how date rape compares with that; I just cannot allow myself in so many ways to be called a victim and so, a label such as PTSD does not sit well for me.

I have tried to see life from both sides, I try to be empathic of those who had lives much tougher than mine with little opportunity to speak of, or who only had role models who were not winning either, I try to understand the way people live when they have been raised with privilege and how much, at times, they have missed out on in the way of basic life experience. I also try to find the positives in the way I was raised, like the fact that I had a strong community around me and was nurtured in other ways by other kind and caring people despite the neglect I also encountered.

A good old fashioned light bulb moment

There comes a time in all our lives where we need to resolve much of that which is called the past, my time has come.  I have mentioned many times before about my ample history of Therapy and how I feel it has benefited me, well this is another one of those benefits.  While I still have much to do therapy related, now that I am exploring the PTSD avenue, I have seen in myself much change, and I am proud of who I am becoming, I am proud of how I treat people less fortunate than myself, I am proud of how I bite my tongue to prevent a senseless argument I would happily have entered into previously, I am happy with my children and how I am still learning to parent in a more loving way, I am happy with my goals and my vision of my future and I am happy that I will make good choices to keep me on the road of improvement in all areas of my life.

Today, I am grateful for me.

I personally don't know other people who have come through what I have and still kept their sense of humour. Having said that, maybe I do, we all have a story, so be kind to everyone.

Life Happens

HELLO!!! I am sooooo sorry I have been AWOL.

I don't have a note to explain my blog absence, however, I may be able to shed some light on the matter in this post.

So, grab a cuppa, find a comfy seat and I will fill you in ...

Once April was over and I had blogged every day about what I was grateful for, I must admit, I was a bit blogged out.  It was hard blogging every day. Not so much finding something to blog about, but the time it takes to sit down and put that into words, particularly ones that will keep my readers hanging off the edge of their seat mildly interested. The actual blogging about gratitude however is something I want to continue with once I get myself back on track as it was very therapeutic.

The couple of posts that did follow are an indicator as to where my head was as I wrote about balance in life and a situation around my youngest son LJ and school.

So yes, I have had some challenges with LJ and school. Thankfully he is at a school where the people are so committed to their individual roles and as a team, well, I call them "The Dream Team".  You see I have had much greater challenges with LJ before in relation to school, hence, I moved him when I found the right people for the job.

Sadly, however, having the right people doesn't immediately make for the perfect environment but it does help work towards that.  NSW Department of Education is a big organisation and those who are employed within that Department are required to conform to certain policies, regulations, procedures, guidelines and budgets and although their hearts are in the right place, their values are impeccable and their ideas are at the forefront of Disability Education, they are limited as to what they can ACTUALLY do.

Lets say for now though, we have found a solution that is a great compromise even with all the barriers the Department puts in the way.

MJ has had his fair share of crisis also, although a bit too personal to share here at this time, maybe one day in the future.

What I can share is a little more boring and I am sure most of you can relate to which is, Teenager/Mother communication standards 101. Wow, I thought I knew how to deal with this, after all, I was a teenager once too you know? Lets just say this whole experience has opened my eyes to who I am now.

And then there is the debate surrounding subject selection for HSC and ATAR.  Thank dog MJ has an idea of what he is doing there; I'm lost!

The school holidays are always a test for me too.  Being a single Mum and having two kids that are always presenting me with something to keep me on my toes.  Not having any family support and no access to ongoing respite makes things a bit tedious at times like holidays.

This set of holidays just gone was a little different as I did give the local Vacation Care a try.  Once again, it is about the people you deal with.  While this organisation is a Mainstream provider, they really covered all bases to meet LJs needs.  What a great job.

We agreed on a trial of one half day each week.  LJ does attend before school care with them twice a week for about an hour these days as I now have a very part time job on those days (more about that in another post) so he had become familiar with the staff and it was a great opportunity to build on those relationships.  It was somewhat of a success and therefore gives us a base to build on for the future.

I suppose while I have been in a state of heightened anxiety, finally some of the ground work I have been doing for the last 8 years has brought about some good outcomes more recently too.

I have finally been informed that I have been approved for a Respite Package (given my complete absence of family, extended family, local friends, colleagues or associates) to provide me with any level of support. That also came about finally as a result of having the right conversation with the right person to ensure my case was being given the right level of priority.

Yes, this is all very boring. It is however, my life.

I shall leave it for now and simply mention, this was written in July 2013, so you know, it took me two months to actually hit the publish button.

The reason for that ... well, life happens. :-)

What is balance?

Hello to all of you out there in the land of the Internet!

This is probably the first time I have sat down to write a blog post with no actual idea of what I was going to say!

So why not see where this journey takes us ...

Source

I've been cruising along since April and cannot for the life of me understand where May has gone!

I think I'm doing well, a few things have changed positively in my life, including securing myself some part time work in an area that is so satisfying for me, it could not have been more perfect an opportunity!

The kids are doing well, MJ is getting ready at School for what is a pretty busy performance season with dance and also a busy study time. He will also start singing lessons again soon having researched and found a suitable tutor locally.

LJ has started swimming lessons, yes, I know ... What was I thinking starting swimming lessons just before winter? He is also enjoying his dancing after School and at School and will continue with Basketball until the end of this term.

I, on the other hand am simply enjoying that little bit of organisation that comes about as a result of having a job to go to!

Source

I cannot believe that the old saying "If you need something done, give it to a busy person!" is actually true! However, it makes sense really, when we have time to spare, we tend to be more relaxed about planning, when every minute counts, you make them count!

So for me, I have celebrated some real achievements lately, not because I have done anything more than is required of me, nor anything extraordinary, but just because I have done exactly what is required of me! Without adding to that list.

I have also realised, that over the years, I have spent too much time setting unrealistic expectations of myself.

These days, I am happy when I get done what I need to and have time for things I don't need to do. And that, is a huge achievement!

My Happy Ending will be when I truly feel I have achieved that balance we all talk about.

One thing I do know though, the scales are easier to balance when they are not overloaded.

Problems arise in that one has to find a balance between what people need from you and what you need for yourself.

Jessye Norman

How do you find balance? What IS balance for you? Do you set the bar too high?

Midnight 31st December 2013

And so, as another year is closing in around us, we do the yearly Post Mortem ... "Where did this year go?", "I feel like nothing has changed", "So many things that I could have done", "Oh well, there's always next year" etc.

Christmas has now become the focus for most, shopping, planning food, planning visits, planning more food! And while all this is not far from my mind, I have been pondering something else, something much more meaningful to me.

A friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago: "I'll bet after the crap year you have had, that you will be glad to see the end of 2012?"

It made me realise that, she could have been more subtle AND as a family, we have endured quite a bit.

However, this year has taught us many lessons, it has made me look into myself and see things I firstly did not know were there, and secondly, didn't want to know were there.  But I have looked those things in the eye and dealt with many of them, some I am still working on and some, well, they may be ongoing projects.

I have also seen myself do things that I never thought I would have to, but I stepped up to the plate and did them anyway ... because I had to, because there is only me to advocate for my kids, and I have brought about some very Happy Endings.  Yes, it was hard, but it was worth it. I have two wonderful children who are now both happy and comfortable in their environments and have the courage and confidence to live their lives knowing who they are and that they are valued.

I have also realised while thinking about her comment again and again, that it seems like it has been a very long time since I have not been sorry to see the back of any year.

So, I have decided, 2013 is going to be THAT year!

The one I will be sorry to see end. The one where, when midnight 31st December 2013 rocks around, I will by crying tears of joy as I try to hold on with all my might to the year that was the best we have experienced in a very long time.  I will be looking around gratefully for all that I have and all that I have achieved.  I will be hugging my children with pride and being more thankful than I have ever been in my entire life, because I will know, that I can do it, that I can achieve anything I need to. All I will have to do is look back on this year and many before to know, that I have what it takes.

What will you be doing at midnight 31st December 2013?