Mental Health - How do I help?

In this world of Organisations like Beyond Blue, Black Dog Institute, SANE Australia, Mental Health Online and such public personal accounts of experiences of Depression as this recent one by Doug Leddin, we realise there is now an awareness of Mental Health being 'a thing' and that is a start.

But is that enough?  The short answer to that is NO.

Simply knowing Mental Health Conditions exist, does nothing to support the people who are living with them, or, struggling with them. We need practical information that can be used to support them.

We now also have 'It's Ok To Say' Campaign', which aims to raise awareness of Depression and Anxiety in the same way the Pink Ribbon has worked for Breast Cancer. And that is a great initiative, but how does that encourage people to act to support those with these conditions?

We have, what is a quite well known Campaign called R U OK?, which I have my feelings about and have blogged about before here. But does this really provide the practical answer to the question, "How do I help?"

I must at this point say, as I usually do when I write these pieces, that this is my opinion only. There are many other opinions on this and many other perspectives. Every person's experience of life, Anxiety, Depression and the World in general is different. That is probably the first point to keep in mind in answering the question ... "How do I help?" 

(I may also at times only use the word Depression here, understand however, it often and usually, goes hand in hand with Anxiety)

I have had my say a few times on this, here for example, as I have a very committed belief that people need connection! ALL people, and so it follows, people who have Mental Health Conditions, need more consideration, because, somewhat ironically, many Mental Health Conditions actually bring about a state of mind where a person withdraws socially or completely from society, when in fact what that person needs is to feel included and valued. This can only come about with connection.

Source

Often this is not just because of the Depression or the Anxiety or, any other condition, it can be because they are sick and tired themselves, of only having their experience of Mental Health to talk about, to live ... and seemingly, nothing else to share or contribute.

I believe in a thing called "An experience of hope" ... I found this expression in a book I once read called The Bear's Embrace. It was offered as support from a Doctor to their Patient who, no matter how they treated their Depression, felt they were not making a substantial progression. Life just kept throwing itself at her.

This idea is like the saying 'building on your achievements', to achieve great things in life, often one just needs to achieve one small thing. Small achievements bring with them some confidence, a sense of ability, a sense of pride and worth, value. Those, are the things that move a person forward to a better place within.

How can a person with Depression improve their situation if their experience is only Depression? How can they heal in the environment which has made them unwell?

When we as humans encounter other humans we build a 'Catalogue of Experiences' (some good, some bad and many in between), we step out of ourselves, we might even physically step out of our homes, we can then have 'other' experiences, which we can then talk about, and so on, this then becomes our 'new experience'. Eventually building a staircase to follow to a better place or building a 'Collage of Hope".

Depression, however, is a vicious downward cycle and requires an upward push to help overcome it.

YOU! As a friend, family member, partner, neighbour, adult child, colleague, volunteer etc., can help to break that cycle, provide an upward push. Help another person have an Experience of Hope.

Source

Many people have those human supports around them, but their supports have become "used to the status quo", they watch their person with Depression and/or Anxiety live with it, they do not check in as frequently, they do not drop in for a cup of tea or coffee, they do not invite them to functions or dinner or BBQs, because that person never comes ... by not inviting them, you might just overlook the one day they might have come.

It can be very difficult to be the person supporting a person with Depression, that is why it is even more important for many people to be involved, share the caring. Instead of committing to two phone calls per week each of an hour, have two people make one call each, have 4 people make a call each per fortnight, aim for half an hour, whatever it takes, if you are concerned, it is worth it! As is said to those enduring life's difficulties, It Will Get Better. For those supporting, It Will Get Easier.

Just turning up with a smile after an extended period of disconnection, isn't enough, it is also a much harder role for the support person to perform. When a person who has a Mental Health Condition, and is continually experiencing Life's struggles, has to recount a month of their experience all in one go, nobody wins! That experience only helps them to relive the experience and depletes the energy of the people who care. It is also considered re-traumatising. This is why regular contact is important. And, the more regular, the less time is needed overall.

So, if I have not made it clear and managed to espouse the importance of consistent Connection ... here is the mantra ... STAY IN TOUCH!

Keep up to date in a personal way. Not on Facebook which by the way is just another means of communication, not a real life experience, or by email, which is so impersonal and originally meant for business communication. Having people you know and people you engage with, are two very different concepts.

The sound of a human voice provides more connection that you can know, seeing the expressions on the face of another helps people to remember and experience emotions they may have forgotten. Human contact provides experiences of Hope. If you are still not convinced, watch the video below by clicking on the link below the image ... The Beauty of Human Connection

The Beauty of Human Connection

And finally, commit half an hour a week to your person who is struggling, or any person you care about. Give them something to look forward to, help them build their 'Collage of Hope'.

It might just do you some good too.

If you or anyone you know is in need of support, use the links at the top of this page to seek support or referral, or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14

This, for your listening pleasure ... fantastic version
Just click on the link below the image.

Sounds Of Silence

When Friendships End

They say we learn to socialise as children, that all that rough and tumble, the 'dobbing' on each other, the push and shove, the winning and losing, the raw honesty "I'm not your friend anymore", "I hate you!" puts us in good stead for adult relationships, so we know how to have friendships when we 'grow up'.

There are two points there, we really need to know when the 'growing up' part happens and who is ever ready for adult friendships?

I watch the shows on TV (soap operas, sitcoms etc) and I see all this honesty, the perfectly scripted dialogue the resolutions and the tender parting of ways and I wonder …. WHAT THE FUCK!

That's not how it is, that is never how I have experienced it.

I think my life is back to front or upside down or buggered if I know …

The people I fought and played with when I was little, are still my friends. The person I came together with over a common cause, like standing up to a bully, she is still my friend, the person I shared some real moments with like when I got engaged and her marriage ended, (so did mine eventually), we are still in touch, the friend I met through our boyfriends and we decided we enjoyed each others company better than the boyfriends, she is still my dear friend, the friend I made by sheer coincidence and we now don't see enough of each other. These are all my friends.

So what *is* it that ends friendships.

For me, I believe it has been bad communication, because I have friendships that have ended, and I still don't understand why, or maybe even the other way around, maybe they were left reeling, but I was hurt, and that is often hard to say to a person's face.

Or we just change, our interests change, our life directions change and we start to have less in common, less to keep us together.

Everyone's experience is different, because, as I mentioned before, we are groomed for this as children.

Just writing this post though, I've noticed a common thread that weaves it's way through the friendships I still have … They have substance.

My friends are real, true and honest.

So, how do you end friendships? Do you even make that choice or do they just slip away? Or do you try hard, when you see them changing, to hold on?

What is your soap opera of life as far as friendships go? I truly am interested to know!

Old Friends - 11th Day of Gratitude

I have a friend, I mean to say I actually have a few friends, but this one, I have had for nearly my whole life.

Sadly, we live quite a distance from each other, although that has never stopped us being friends.

We also live very different lives having had children at very different times, we work very different hours and days and we are at very different life stages, and yet, we have so much that we share.

Including our fashion sense ...

I've written several times before about my friends and each time I look back over my blog to identify those posts, I realise once again, how very lucky I am.

Yesterday (11th day of Gratitude), it happened I had a long overdue phone call with said friend, and she made me realise how loyal my long term friends are to me.

You see I've had some form of Mental Illness it seems, for most of my life, and as I am now coming into a time of real healing, I can identify in my past some of the strange things I have done, the weird responses people have seen in me, the unreliable character that I have displayed in the past, all those things that many people have just walked away from, but not my friends, my pals, my buds, my mates, my absolutely true, life long "in for the long haul" 'besties'.

So here I am, once again saying THANK YOU, to all my friends who love me even when I'm a bit crazy!

I was never much of an actress ...

Today, I am grateful for my friends,

all of them who stand by me.

"A friend is one who knows you, and loves you just the same." Elbert Hubbard

Developing Friendships - 9th Day of Gratitude

Tonight I phoned a friend.

No, I wasn't on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?".

But I will say, she is worth a Million!

With all that I have learnt about myself in the last 10 years, I know only too well, that I am very self conscious these days, particularly about what I say to other people. So, in my nervousness, I sometimes find myself not expressing myself well, or even at all, and backing away from conversations as the best alternative to a bad conversation and, in the extreme, backing away from relationships.

This

Unfortunately, things left unsaid are often as bad as saying the wrong things, so when I expressed this to my friend and explained to her how unsure I felt, I was so joyfully rewarded with her support (and threats of actual physical pain if ever I did that again) that I realised I truly have a friend who cares and who is in the process (as I am with her) of really getting to know me!

Tonight, I am grateful for people who care ... about me! You know who you are ... xo

Social Anxiety or Pariah?

Every other day I say to my self "I need to get out more". I need to practice my social skills. I don't have many friends where we now live, I have not had the opportunity to really network yet. Should be easy right?

I have managed to get a few phone numbers from people, but in the past, I have made some bad choices when it came to befriending people, so I am a bit wary. I am taking my time this time to exercise caution ... that's OK isn't it? We have only been here a year ...

I find it difficult at times to go out to places with my youngest LJ, where there are lots of people, as he still tends to run off a bit and is still learning to play appropriately with other kids due to lack of exposure to these situations I suppose, a bit like his Mum really?

And there it is ... The realisation, that I do feel inept, unable, uncomfortable and a bit of a fraud.

I can talk with a mouth full of marbles underwater, and at times, this can be a very valuable strength, but when I am a bit anxious, a little intimidated or just feeling like a fish out of water, this is what I revert to ... ultimately, what I know! Talking, or, in my case, offloading information and lots of it!

I do know how to have conversations, I have them all the time with my long time friends, I do know how to actively listen and not just wait for my turn to talk, I do consciously know many good social manners for interacting with others, but when I am making new friends and I feel a little stressed, it all goes out the window!

I long for a few local friends but feel when I do get a chance to meet and make that initial impression, I blow it EVERY TIME! I get so excited at the sniff of an invitation, for my kids or me, and then I get anxious.

I prepare for the occasion, I pack extra "props" for LJ in case he might need distracting, I ponder what to wear and make sure we are all clean and shining, I put on my best smile and off we go.

It is always nice to meet the children my son goes to school with and have the time to chat with them, and put a face and a name to their parents, and then, it happens ... I become, "that woman that won't shut up".

I see other parents observing and coming in to "rescue" each other with a change of subject or a request to attend to "a little issue", (my observations panic me more), they are all aware of each others discomfort and manage it within the community that already exists for these people, protecting themselves/each other from the outsider who will Just. Not. Shut. Up!

And then, I go home, feeling stupid, knowing I can do better ... and I will, next time.

Next time does not come, LJ gets no more Birthday Party invitations, parents run past me at school, always in a hurry, stating before I even get a chance to speak "I can't stop, we are in a hurry". And I know what I have done, I know how annoying that person who is me is, I can't stand her either, she bores me to tears too, but I cannot make her go away in those situations!

Thank God I have my old and dear friends, thank God I have a Counsellor who cannot run away or avoid me and has no choice but to listen to me and thank God my children still have friends at school where I cannot muddy the waters.

One day she will find another place to live that woman who will not shut up, but for now, me and her, we are friends, and I will just have to be the one who tolerates her.

Happy Ending: If I am to rely on having conversations with myself, at least they will be intelligent!

Do you get a little anxious in a social situation?  How does it impact you? How do you deal with it? How do you make new friends?

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

Chorus: Am I Not Pretty Enough - Kasey Chambers