Loneliness is the killer

Trigger warnings: Suicide, Depression, Anxiety, Euthanasia, Family, Support, Mental Health

I wasn't going to buy into the current conversations about Depression that are all over Main Stream Media, Facebook, Twitter and I am sure, every other social media available to people.

But as a person who is suffering from Depression (no, not living with it), I can't stand the assumptions people make.

I will say right now, that my reality and what I see as fact may also appear to be assumptions for other people who are suffering from Depression or Living with it or, anywhere in the middle of those two extremes. Everyones journey is different.

I will also say I do not try to speak for, nor did I ever know this celebrity personally. This is just my perspective.

With the sad occurrence of a very well known personality having taken her life and that being attributed to her struggle with Depression, it makes me angry to hear the follow on statements like ... "So many people loved her" "If only she could see this outpouring of love" "I hope her beautiful soul is now at peace".

Where were all these people who love her? You never hear reports of people suiciding surrounded by all their friends and loved ones. (Excepting Euthanasia, although this, may not be that different.)

People suicide alone, because that is how they feel in that moment ... completely and utterly alone and hopeless.

This woman had a very active life, very involved in Social Media, Mainstream Media, Campaigns, Charity Events etc., etc.  She was a woman who gave so much of her time to others. And that is what kept her alive .... the time she spent with others.

It is the looking for happiness outside of oneself that keeps you involved in life and avoids the thoughts of suicide. And yet, it is a terrible addiction the need for love.

It is, when you are left to your own devices, that the symptoms of Depression start to creep in.

We don't need Social Media Trolls to make us feel bad about ourselves, we don't need to be confronted by other people to disagree with us about our values or principles to feel bad about ourselves, we certainly don't need to be excluded from social events or forgotten by friends who have had enough of our "Depression" to make us feel bad about ourselves ... NO, we can do all that for ourselves, that IS Depression.

When looking for a list of symptoms of Depression to post here, I found this site and the list they display:

Beyond Blue.

The only trouble is that they do not put enough emphasis on the "Thoughts" part of this.

Anyone can put on a good front, I'm sure our beautiful celebrity had done this on many, many occasions as she presented herself in public. You see, when you suffer from or live with Depression, you know that there is a time and place for everything. Imagine breaking down in tears on the red carpet, a person would be 'committed'.

People really don't  want to see your suffering, they are happy to know you have Depression, but they really don't want to understand it too well for fear they may have to get more involved in your life. Keep in mind also, not everyone has the family and personal relationships needed to sustain a life lived with Depression.

People don't want to be your therapist, they get sick of bolstering you over and over, and in the end treat you like a bit of a drama queen, eventually withdrawing from your life. People have their own lives, their own concerns, it takes a very serious friend or relationship to sustain the support a person with Depression really needs to help them to get to a place where they can "live with" their Depression, because it never is gone. And it takes many of those relationships.

If it were a physical illness and friends could simply wipe your brow, give you a pill, feed or hydrate you, it would be easy, because they can walk away after that.

You can't walk away from a person with Depression and assume they will take your advice, or they will look after themselves, or they are OK now ... Depression is a darkness, and left to feed on loneliness, it will kill.

Is this the face of Depression?

Take it from me ... YES, it is ...

Sourced from Twitter

Rest In Peace 

Footnote: If you have Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal thoughts or any other Mental Health Issue, be sure to seek ample professional support.

Family - Bah Humbug Warning

This cute pic came from here

Lady Diana Spencer aka Princess Diana or Lady Di.  Now there's a name or three we all know.  No matter how old you are, even if you weren't alive in her lifetime, most people will know that name. She is famous not only for her position within the English Royal Family, but for the Humanitarian opportunities that position afforded her. The cute penguin picture above comes from a website that is a list of quotes from many people, and also lists many of the wonderful things Lady Di said. Some profound, some sentimental and some just sounded wonderful, because she said them.  People listened to her, they loved her.

This is why I wish she had said something more than this about family, something realistic.

What if you have no family.  What if your friends are the only constant you have in your life?  When it comes to the crunch, where do you fit in "that" family? What if you are not a part of the "huddle" depicted above?

Lone Penguin

It is wonderful to have good friends. I know. I'm blessed with many good friends. *Waves to those who I have heard from over Christmas*

I have lifelong friends that make it feel like we've never been apart when we get together, friends I've met at work and still keep in touch with despite life changes and location, friends who have been brought in to my life through common denominators and who have been great strength and support for me, friends who share many of life's woes with me and we support each other; I have many friends.

Friends, not family.

So when people say (and believe) that family is the most important thing in the world, where does that leave me and people like me?

I can tell you.

You are never the first person they phone with good news like the announcement of an engagement, wedding, pregnancy; on the other side of that, I suppose it is a good thing, you will never be the person to get "that" phone call either.

When your friends have family functions, you always hear about them, later, and how wonderful they were and how much fun was had and how happy everyone was. Or, in this day and age, you get to see the photos on Facebook.

Precious moments of "drop in" and visit never happen, people always plan to see their friends, make appointments, plan an outing.

When you fight with friends, they don't have to be your friend anymore. When you reconcile with friends, the relationship is scarred, it is never the same and there is no pressure from within any structure for it to be repaired, it's just you and your friend.

You very rarely hear families say, oh well, if he/she (brother/sister, Uncle/Aunt) is going to be like that, you are better of without him/her in your life. Again, the pressure from within is there persisting with the value of that family relationship and being part of a bigger whole.

WHY NOW? WHY THE FUCK NOW?  I hear you ask .... Come on Sandra, we are all still trying to get our colons to work properly after the feast that was, wallowing in the glow of over indulgence and simply being spoilt by our loved ones ... We are getting ready to make ourselves sick again, and try to stay up until midnight for the fireworks! We are away, on holidays, with our families ..... OOOOOOOHHHHHHH, now you get it.

This concept is what I ponder at this time of year, every year, because it is said, about this time of year ... "It's all about spending time with your family, being together.".

I've taken to just saying to people "We don't do Christmas", "We're not Christians" etc in response to the questions, 1. How was your Christmas Day? 2. What did you do? 3. Did Santa come? 4. What did you get? 5. Are you going away? 6. What are you doing for New Year? At least people who know me have learnt to be polite and not to ask about family, probably more to save themselves the embarrassment than for the emotions it may (or may not) stir in me.

Well, here are the answers.

1. I spent the day trying not to cry in front of the kids and justifying my complete disdain for the whole holiday. So, the answer is "Good!" Since I didn't actually cry at any point.

2. We slept in until about 10am, we sat around for most of the rest of the day, we all had showers, we went for a drive, we came home, we had dinner and we all went to bed.

3. No, Santa never actually comes, he is a lie, a marketing ploy.

4. Here's what we got ... that will save me having to recite the list again! (See pic below)

5. Ummmm, No ...

6. I will be in bed by 11pm.

So, I suppose you are all wondering what gem I will pull from my repertoire to make this seem like there is a Happy Ending .... well there is, NOW you are all more aware that not everyone has what is considered a "Normal" Christmas.

Now, maybe when you, out of habit, ask that friend of yours, your colleague, the woman at the check out in Coles what they did for Christmas, you might consider, the answer may not be what you expected. Loneliness is a feeling that people experience all, year, round. It doesn't go away on "special days", those days are special because of the experience of the day, and if you have nobody to share that experience with, well ...

Christmas, Easter, New Year etc etc, are different for everyone, and while our Christmas seems to have been one nobody would want, it was ours, and, despite all else, we have a roof over our heads, we did not starve to death, we weren't bombed nor was our house ransacked or set on fire, like the reality of people in various parts of the world, so, we still have much to be grateful for. So there ...

In utter loneliness a writer tries to explain the inexplicable. John Steinbeck

Mindfulness 102

Today, is the last day of the School holidays.

Normally, by this time, I am at my wits end, I am ready to have the kids go back to school and I am looking forward to getting on with my list of "Things To Do". I am ready to move on. Not today however ...

Do you want to know why? This is why ...

Combined with a bit of this ...

Mindfulness

I've written before about Mindfulness and my continued effort in perfecting this practice.

While I still feel I have a long way to go in the application of Mindfulness to all areas of my life, I most certainly had some wins these School holidays, which is apparent from the state of my house!

While we always have done fun things, I've noticed that I used to rush through everything. It would be like, "Lets go to the beach!" "Yay, now we are here, when can we go?" Done that, now tick it off the list.

I was  a very big list person, and while I still am for many things, I find the important things cannot be experienced by ticking off a list.

My advice to you all: Pick one thing and stick with it until you have enjoyed the hell out of it!

So we have had a few days at the beach where we enjoyed building sand castles with moats so the water can surround them when the waves come in close enough, kicking the ball in the water and watching the waves bring it back, weeding the back yard and simply just digging holes in the dirt.  We've watched DVDs, been to the movies and eaten pop corn and ice cream. We've been out for posh lunches and trips through Maccas drive through. And, the best part, I was there, I was present, I was in the moment and living those moments with my kids.

My Happy Ending: We have made memories.

Coming Home

I sometimes wonder how I have got through life at the hands of such a dysfunctional family.

It was only recently that I admitted to a Psychologist that I believed I did not know how to "feel", ANYTHING!

Not just love, nor hate, frustration, sadness, joy ... no not just one or two emotions or feelings ... ALL OF THEM! Some I do not know the names of because we have never been introduced.

However, after this weekend just gone, I may have to rethink that.

While I did grow up in a family that was less than supporting, caring or nurturing, I was lucky enough to have grown up in a time where the idea of a Community raising a child still existed.

I have a pseudo family, one I have known since I met my sister when we were 4 years old.  We were at Preschool, and we became friends.  It turned out we lived in the same street, so as we grew up, spending time with each other was not hard to do.

I became a part of her family, just because I never went home! I loved her Parents and her sister and even her Aunties; her cats and dogs, her parrot that "wolf whistled" every time we walked in the back yard, we played with guinea pigs and so many other family pets over the years.  We played as a community in the street with all the other kids that never went home; and we shared our childhood.

We climbed on garage roofs to eat mulberries straight off the tree, we caught tadpoles at the local creek (along with a few leaches) and watched them grow into frogs, we drew tennis courts on the road of our dead end street and held Wimbledon style competitions for all to compete in.

We recorded our own radio shows (on cassette recorders) and had imaginary friends who kept us occupied for many hours at a time. We took pet mice to school in our pencil cases, or our imaginary friends. We had gymnastics competitions in the back yard and swam in the pool in summer.

I got in trouble from her Mum and Dad when we did not do what was required of us, or if we pushed the boundaries from time to time. But I also felt part of the family as a result of that discipline, like someone cared enough to set me straight.

We went to Church (as everyone in our community did) even if you were not Religious, just because that was where all the community activities were held. We went to Girls Brigade, Physical Culture, Dancing, Sunday School, Youth Group. We played tennis at the local courts and bought ice cream on the way home at "George's Corner Shop", where we all learnt to play a pinball machine, not to mention Pacman and Space Invaders when they first became "the thing"!

And when I reminisce like this, I wonder how I could possible have been so sad as a child ... but I do know ... it was when I had to go home.

I had to relive that feeling this weekend, my best friend remarried and I was lucky enough to be there to help her celebrate, to revel in her joy and be a part once more of her family.  It was wonderful too to be able to spend so much time with our sister, and nieces and nephews and prospective son and daughter in laws, to be proud of all their achievements and to enjoy the adults they have become.
I felt like I had come home ... and then, once again, I had to go home ...

But I now understand, that I do feel, that I do love, that I am loved and that is because I was with people I can trust to respect my feelings,  to nurture them and to share them with me to allow myself to be vulnerable and know, I will not be hurt.

Thank you my sisters and my family.  I now know who you are.
I have come home xo

Another Happy Ending