Mental Health - How do I help?

In this world of Organisations like Beyond Blue, Black Dog Institute, SANE Australia, Mental Health Online and such public personal accounts of experiences of Depression as this recent one by Doug Leddin, we realise there is now an awareness of Mental Health being 'a thing' and that is a start.

But is that enough?  The short answer to that is NO.

Simply knowing Mental Health Conditions exist, does nothing to support the people who are living with them, or, struggling with them. We need practical information that can be used to support them.

We now also have 'It's Ok To Say' Campaign', which aims to raise awareness of Depression and Anxiety in the same way the Pink Ribbon has worked for Breast Cancer. And that is a great initiative, but how does that encourage people to act to support those with these conditions?

We have, what is a quite well known Campaign called R U OK?, which I have my feelings about and have blogged about before here. But does this really provide the practical answer to the question, "How do I help?"

I must at this point say, as I usually do when I write these pieces, that this is my opinion only. There are many other opinions on this and many other perspectives. Every person's experience of life, Anxiety, Depression and the World in general is different. That is probably the first point to keep in mind in answering the question ... "How do I help?" 

(I may also at times only use the word Depression here, understand however, it often and usually, goes hand in hand with Anxiety)

I have had my say a few times on this, here for example, as I have a very committed belief that people need connection! ALL people, and so it follows, people who have Mental Health Conditions, need more consideration, because, somewhat ironically, many Mental Health Conditions actually bring about a state of mind where a person withdraws socially or completely from society, when in fact what that person needs is to feel included and valued. This can only come about with connection.

Source

Often this is not just because of the Depression or the Anxiety or, any other condition, it can be because they are sick and tired themselves, of only having their experience of Mental Health to talk about, to live ... and seemingly, nothing else to share or contribute.

I believe in a thing called "An experience of hope" ... I found this expression in a book I once read called The Bear's Embrace. It was offered as support from a Doctor to their Patient who, no matter how they treated their Depression, felt they were not making a substantial progression. Life just kept throwing itself at her.

This idea is like the saying 'building on your achievements', to achieve great things in life, often one just needs to achieve one small thing. Small achievements bring with them some confidence, a sense of ability, a sense of pride and worth, value. Those, are the things that move a person forward to a better place within.

How can a person with Depression improve their situation if their experience is only Depression? How can they heal in the environment which has made them unwell?

When we as humans encounter other humans we build a 'Catalogue of Experiences' (some good, some bad and many in between), we step out of ourselves, we might even physically step out of our homes, we can then have 'other' experiences, which we can then talk about, and so on, this then becomes our 'new experience'. Eventually building a staircase to follow to a better place or building a 'Collage of Hope".

Depression, however, is a vicious downward cycle and requires an upward push to help overcome it.

YOU! As a friend, family member, partner, neighbour, adult child, colleague, volunteer etc., can help to break that cycle, provide an upward push. Help another person have an Experience of Hope.

Source

Many people have those human supports around them, but their supports have become "used to the status quo", they watch their person with Depression and/or Anxiety live with it, they do not check in as frequently, they do not drop in for a cup of tea or coffee, they do not invite them to functions or dinner or BBQs, because that person never comes ... by not inviting them, you might just overlook the one day they might have come.

It can be very difficult to be the person supporting a person with Depression, that is why it is even more important for many people to be involved, share the caring. Instead of committing to two phone calls per week each of an hour, have two people make one call each, have 4 people make a call each per fortnight, aim for half an hour, whatever it takes, if you are concerned, it is worth it! As is said to those enduring life's difficulties, It Will Get Better. For those supporting, It Will Get Easier.

Just turning up with a smile after an extended period of disconnection, isn't enough, it is also a much harder role for the support person to perform. When a person who has a Mental Health Condition, and is continually experiencing Life's struggles, has to recount a month of their experience all in one go, nobody wins! That experience only helps them to relive the experience and depletes the energy of the people who care. It is also considered re-traumatising. This is why regular contact is important. And, the more regular, the less time is needed overall.

So, if I have not made it clear and managed to espouse the importance of consistent Connection ... here is the mantra ... STAY IN TOUCH!

Keep up to date in a personal way. Not on Facebook which by the way is just another means of communication, not a real life experience, or by email, which is so impersonal and originally meant for business communication. Having people you know and people you engage with, are two very different concepts.

The sound of a human voice provides more connection that you can know, seeing the expressions on the face of another helps people to remember and experience emotions they may have forgotten. Human contact provides experiences of Hope. If you are still not convinced, watch the video below by clicking on the link below the image ... The Beauty of Human Connection

The Beauty of Human Connection

And finally, commit half an hour a week to your person who is struggling, or any person you care about. Give them something to look forward to, help them build their 'Collage of Hope'.

It might just do you some good too.

If you or anyone you know is in need of support, use the links at the top of this page to seek support or referral, or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14

This, for your listening pleasure ... fantastic version
Just click on the link below the image.

Sounds Of Silence

Loneliness is the killer

Trigger warnings: Suicide, Depression, Anxiety, Euthanasia, Family, Support, Mental Health

I wasn't going to buy into the current conversations about Depression that are all over Main Stream Media, Facebook, Twitter and I am sure, every other social media available to people.

But as a person who is suffering from Depression (no, not living with it), I can't stand the assumptions people make.

I will say right now, that my reality and what I see as fact may also appear to be assumptions for other people who are suffering from Depression or Living with it or, anywhere in the middle of those two extremes. Everyones journey is different.

I will also say I do not try to speak for, nor did I ever know this celebrity personally. This is just my perspective.

With the sad occurrence of a very well known personality having taken her life and that being attributed to her struggle with Depression, it makes me angry to hear the follow on statements like ... "So many people loved her" "If only she could see this outpouring of love" "I hope her beautiful soul is now at peace".

Where were all these people who love her? You never hear reports of people suiciding surrounded by all their friends and loved ones. (Excepting Euthanasia, although this, may not be that different.)

People suicide alone, because that is how they feel in that moment ... completely and utterly alone and hopeless.

This woman had a very active life, very involved in Social Media, Mainstream Media, Campaigns, Charity Events etc., etc.  She was a woman who gave so much of her time to others. And that is what kept her alive .... the time she spent with others.

It is the looking for happiness outside of oneself that keeps you involved in life and avoids the thoughts of suicide. And yet, it is a terrible addiction the need for love.

It is, when you are left to your own devices, that the symptoms of Depression start to creep in.

We don't need Social Media Trolls to make us feel bad about ourselves, we don't need to be confronted by other people to disagree with us about our values or principles to feel bad about ourselves, we certainly don't need to be excluded from social events or forgotten by friends who have had enough of our "Depression" to make us feel bad about ourselves ... NO, we can do all that for ourselves, that IS Depression.

When looking for a list of symptoms of Depression to post here, I found this site and the list they display:

Beyond Blue.

The only trouble is that they do not put enough emphasis on the "Thoughts" part of this.

Anyone can put on a good front, I'm sure our beautiful celebrity had done this on many, many occasions as she presented herself in public. You see, when you suffer from or live with Depression, you know that there is a time and place for everything. Imagine breaking down in tears on the red carpet, a person would be 'committed'.

People really don't  want to see your suffering, they are happy to know you have Depression, but they really don't want to understand it too well for fear they may have to get more involved in your life. Keep in mind also, not everyone has the family and personal relationships needed to sustain a life lived with Depression.

People don't want to be your therapist, they get sick of bolstering you over and over, and in the end treat you like a bit of a drama queen, eventually withdrawing from your life. People have their own lives, their own concerns, it takes a very serious friend or relationship to sustain the support a person with Depression really needs to help them to get to a place where they can "live with" their Depression, because it never is gone. And it takes many of those relationships.

If it were a physical illness and friends could simply wipe your brow, give you a pill, feed or hydrate you, it would be easy, because they can walk away after that.

You can't walk away from a person with Depression and assume they will take your advice, or they will look after themselves, or they are OK now ... Depression is a darkness, and left to feed on loneliness, it will kill.

Is this the face of Depression?

Take it from me ... YES, it is ...

Sourced from Twitter

Rest In Peace 

Footnote: If you have Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal thoughts or any other Mental Health Issue, be sure to seek ample professional support.

Family - Bah Humbug Warning

This cute pic came from here

Lady Diana Spencer aka Princess Diana or Lady Di.  Now there's a name or three we all know.  No matter how old you are, even if you weren't alive in her lifetime, most people will know that name. She is famous not only for her position within the English Royal Family, but for the Humanitarian opportunities that position afforded her. The cute penguin picture above comes from a website that is a list of quotes from many people, and also lists many of the wonderful things Lady Di said. Some profound, some sentimental and some just sounded wonderful, because she said them.  People listened to her, they loved her.

This is why I wish she had said something more than this about family, something realistic.

What if you have no family.  What if your friends are the only constant you have in your life?  When it comes to the crunch, where do you fit in "that" family? What if you are not a part of the "huddle" depicted above?

Lone Penguin

It is wonderful to have good friends. I know. I'm blessed with many good friends. *Waves to those who I have heard from over Christmas*

I have lifelong friends that make it feel like we've never been apart when we get together, friends I've met at work and still keep in touch with despite life changes and location, friends who have been brought in to my life through common denominators and who have been great strength and support for me, friends who share many of life's woes with me and we support each other; I have many friends.

Friends, not family.

So when people say (and believe) that family is the most important thing in the world, where does that leave me and people like me?

I can tell you.

You are never the first person they phone with good news like the announcement of an engagement, wedding, pregnancy; on the other side of that, I suppose it is a good thing, you will never be the person to get "that" phone call either.

When your friends have family functions, you always hear about them, later, and how wonderful they were and how much fun was had and how happy everyone was. Or, in this day and age, you get to see the photos on Facebook.

Precious moments of "drop in" and visit never happen, people always plan to see their friends, make appointments, plan an outing.

When you fight with friends, they don't have to be your friend anymore. When you reconcile with friends, the relationship is scarred, it is never the same and there is no pressure from within any structure for it to be repaired, it's just you and your friend.

You very rarely hear families say, oh well, if he/she (brother/sister, Uncle/Aunt) is going to be like that, you are better of without him/her in your life. Again, the pressure from within is there persisting with the value of that family relationship and being part of a bigger whole.

WHY NOW? WHY THE FUCK NOW?  I hear you ask .... Come on Sandra, we are all still trying to get our colons to work properly after the feast that was, wallowing in the glow of over indulgence and simply being spoilt by our loved ones ... We are getting ready to make ourselves sick again, and try to stay up until midnight for the fireworks! We are away, on holidays, with our families ..... OOOOOOOHHHHHHH, now you get it.

This concept is what I ponder at this time of year, every year, because it is said, about this time of year ... "It's all about spending time with your family, being together.".

I've taken to just saying to people "We don't do Christmas", "We're not Christians" etc in response to the questions, 1. How was your Christmas Day? 2. What did you do? 3. Did Santa come? 4. What did you get? 5. Are you going away? 6. What are you doing for New Year? At least people who know me have learnt to be polite and not to ask about family, probably more to save themselves the embarrassment than for the emotions it may (or may not) stir in me.

Well, here are the answers.

1. I spent the day trying not to cry in front of the kids and justifying my complete disdain for the whole holiday. So, the answer is "Good!" Since I didn't actually cry at any point.

2. We slept in until about 10am, we sat around for most of the rest of the day, we all had showers, we went for a drive, we came home, we had dinner and we all went to bed.

3. No, Santa never actually comes, he is a lie, a marketing ploy.

4. Here's what we got ... that will save me having to recite the list again! (See pic below)

5. Ummmm, No ...

6. I will be in bed by 11pm.

So, I suppose you are all wondering what gem I will pull from my repertoire to make this seem like there is a Happy Ending .... well there is, NOW you are all more aware that not everyone has what is considered a "Normal" Christmas.

Now, maybe when you, out of habit, ask that friend of yours, your colleague, the woman at the check out in Coles what they did for Christmas, you might consider, the answer may not be what you expected. Loneliness is a feeling that people experience all, year, round. It doesn't go away on "special days", those days are special because of the experience of the day, and if you have nobody to share that experience with, well ...

Christmas, Easter, New Year etc etc, are different for everyone, and while our Christmas seems to have been one nobody would want, it was ours, and, despite all else, we have a roof over our heads, we did not starve to death, we weren't bombed nor was our house ransacked or set on fire, like the reality of people in various parts of the world, so, we still have much to be grateful for. So there ...

In utter loneliness a writer tries to explain the inexplicable. John Steinbeck