Mental Health - How do I help?

In this world of Organisations like Beyond Blue, Black Dog Institute, SANE Australia, Mental Health Online and such public personal accounts of experiences of Depression as this recent one by Doug Leddin, we realise there is now an awareness of Mental Health being 'a thing' and that is a start.

But is that enough?  The short answer to that is NO.

Simply knowing Mental Health Conditions exist, does nothing to support the people who are living with them, or, struggling with them. We need practical information that can be used to support them.

We now also have 'It's Ok To Say' Campaign', which aims to raise awareness of Depression and Anxiety in the same way the Pink Ribbon has worked for Breast Cancer. And that is a great initiative, but how does that encourage people to act to support those with these conditions?

We have, what is a quite well known Campaign called R U OK?, which I have my feelings about and have blogged about before here. But does this really provide the practical answer to the question, "How do I help?"

I must at this point say, as I usually do when I write these pieces, that this is my opinion only. There are many other opinions on this and many other perspectives. Every person's experience of life, Anxiety, Depression and the World in general is different. That is probably the first point to keep in mind in answering the question ... "How do I help?" 

(I may also at times only use the word Depression here, understand however, it often and usually, goes hand in hand with Anxiety)

I have had my say a few times on this, here for example, as I have a very committed belief that people need connection! ALL people, and so it follows, people who have Mental Health Conditions, need more consideration, because, somewhat ironically, many Mental Health Conditions actually bring about a state of mind where a person withdraws socially or completely from society, when in fact what that person needs is to feel included and valued. This can only come about with connection.

Source

Often this is not just because of the Depression or the Anxiety or, any other condition, it can be because they are sick and tired themselves, of only having their experience of Mental Health to talk about, to live ... and seemingly, nothing else to share or contribute.

I believe in a thing called "An experience of hope" ... I found this expression in a book I once read called The Bear's Embrace. It was offered as support from a Doctor to their Patient who, no matter how they treated their Depression, felt they were not making a substantial progression. Life just kept throwing itself at her.

This idea is like the saying 'building on your achievements', to achieve great things in life, often one just needs to achieve one small thing. Small achievements bring with them some confidence, a sense of ability, a sense of pride and worth, value. Those, are the things that move a person forward to a better place within.

How can a person with Depression improve their situation if their experience is only Depression? How can they heal in the environment which has made them unwell?

When we as humans encounter other humans we build a 'Catalogue of Experiences' (some good, some bad and many in between), we step out of ourselves, we might even physically step out of our homes, we can then have 'other' experiences, which we can then talk about, and so on, this then becomes our 'new experience'. Eventually building a staircase to follow to a better place or building a 'Collage of Hope".

Depression, however, is a vicious downward cycle and requires an upward push to help overcome it.

YOU! As a friend, family member, partner, neighbour, adult child, colleague, volunteer etc., can help to break that cycle, provide an upward push. Help another person have an Experience of Hope.

Source

Many people have those human supports around them, but their supports have become "used to the status quo", they watch their person with Depression and/or Anxiety live with it, they do not check in as frequently, they do not drop in for a cup of tea or coffee, they do not invite them to functions or dinner or BBQs, because that person never comes ... by not inviting them, you might just overlook the one day they might have come.

It can be very difficult to be the person supporting a person with Depression, that is why it is even more important for many people to be involved, share the caring. Instead of committing to two phone calls per week each of an hour, have two people make one call each, have 4 people make a call each per fortnight, aim for half an hour, whatever it takes, if you are concerned, it is worth it! As is said to those enduring life's difficulties, It Will Get Better. For those supporting, It Will Get Easier.

Just turning up with a smile after an extended period of disconnection, isn't enough, it is also a much harder role for the support person to perform. When a person who has a Mental Health Condition, and is continually experiencing Life's struggles, has to recount a month of their experience all in one go, nobody wins! That experience only helps them to relive the experience and depletes the energy of the people who care. It is also considered re-traumatising. This is why regular contact is important. And, the more regular, the less time is needed overall.

So, if I have not made it clear and managed to espouse the importance of consistent Connection ... here is the mantra ... STAY IN TOUCH!

Keep up to date in a personal way. Not on Facebook which by the way is just another means of communication, not a real life experience, or by email, which is so impersonal and originally meant for business communication. Having people you know and people you engage with, are two very different concepts.

The sound of a human voice provides more connection that you can know, seeing the expressions on the face of another helps people to remember and experience emotions they may have forgotten. Human contact provides experiences of Hope. If you are still not convinced, watch the video below by clicking on the link below the image ... The Beauty of Human Connection

The Beauty of Human Connection

And finally, commit half an hour a week to your person who is struggling, or any person you care about. Give them something to look forward to, help them build their 'Collage of Hope'.

It might just do you some good too.

If you or anyone you know is in need of support, use the links at the top of this page to seek support or referral, or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14

This, for your listening pleasure ... fantastic version
Just click on the link below the image.

Sounds Of Silence

Depression - A true account

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Suicide, Domestic Violence.

I am posting this today, but I give notice that I wrote this about 12 months ago. I was too vulnerable then to put it out to the world. I'm doing well today, so here goes. Hope it can be of assistance to someone.

I know from time to time, the internet explodes with stories of people living with depression. Usually, this is brought about by a very public disclosure of a celebrity living with depression or having suicided.

My awareness of depression or suicide is simply by being me. I have written this post from my perspective and am not speaking for any other person as everyone's experience is different.

I live with anxiety and depression. It seems, I have lived with them (and suspected PTSD) most of my life due to being a child victim of Domestic Violence, and am now looking at a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD, which explains a lot). I was not diagnosed with Depression formally until I was in my late 40s, despite bouts of Post Natal Depression with both children, and the Anxiety has just been something I have come to understand as being my default because of the Trauma, through much counselling.

Now that I understand and recognise my behaviour when I am anxious or depressed, it makes it easier to see how my life has played out as it has. The contribution that BPD has also made is that I have made bad decisions, life changing ones, in the blink of an eye, because I did not know how to manage my anxiety, mainly because I did not know I had it. I just thought that was me.

I have encountered conflict because I was too anxious to say what I really felt, and being frustrated by this, have displayed anger, I have been walked all over and missed opportunities due to my inability to express my needs or trust in people who might have been able to help me.

Depression and anxiety change who I am, they change the way I live, the way I relate to other people, the way I parent, interact with colleagues, plan my day/week/month, they effect my ability to be punctual and reliable, to make choices about relationships, finances, job opportunities, education. They steal away my chances at a better life if I simply cannot perform at the level I need to in any given situation.

For anyone reading this right now who is thinking I am over dramatising this, or why don't you just take Anti Depressants, practice Mindfulness, learn Yoga and Meditation, get a hobby, cheer up … Firstly, here is a link to Beyond Blue so you can educate yourself as to what Depression actually is, secondly, how Depression is managed is different for every single person and usually involves a combination of many things, including support and understanding from others. Not forgetting my other diagnosis'.

There are thousands of Anti Depressants on the market. Currently, I am trying my 4th type in 12 months because the particular medication I had been on for a number of years, when increased to combat Anxiety brought on by a major life trauma, only made the anxiety worse, so I had to find another medication that would work for me. I am still looking, trying one after the other, experiencing side effects that cannot be lived with such as nose bleeds, blurred vision, insomnia, constipation, dry mouth, increased anxiety/depression, vertigo, exhaustion, high blood pressure etc, and therefore moving on to the next medication to see if it suits me.

The reason I have decided to write about this today is that I know others who also have bouts of or live daily with depression, anxiety and PTSD, and I know of people who, when a disclosure is made, want to help. But don't know how.

The last time I had a really bad day and decided to disclose to a friend who had encouraged me to call her "anytime, day or night" she was so overwhelmed by my emotions, she admitted later to me that she nearly had me scheduled. For those of you who are not aware of what that means, it is being taken to hospital for a period of 72 hours against your will, usually by Police, with no option to leave. What I had needed was for her to listen to me talk and cry (sob really) and possibly share a cup of tea, but I could not express that.

When I am at my darkest with depression, it is due to the negative self talk that I fight every day, having won dominance. I start to doubt my ability to do anything. I question my worth and my value, I believe that the people who have offered to take my calls day or night, are not genuine because they never phone me … I understand why people never phone me, who would want to talk to or spend time with a person who is depressed? And so, I will not phone them.

Catch 22 … Connectedness is a major factor in combating depression, but when people do not phone me or invite me or call in to see me, that is exactly what I lack, connectedness. I have many people say, "Let's have coffee" or lunch or go out or …. But they never follow up, they wait for me to call, but I won't, because I don't want to burden them with me, to interrupt their lives, to use up time they would prefer to be spending with their families.

While R U OK? Day is a great program, very few people truly understand what it is about. It is about starting conversations. It is NOT about phoning a friend once a year to see if they are ok.

If you truly want to help a friend who is living with any Mental Health issue, ask them what they need, have that conversation, keep having that conversation, regularly, then you will know how to help them.

The Tipping Point

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Suicide, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Mental Health issues of any kind.

If you performed a search on this blog under the heading #Depression, you would find about 9 posts.

I cannot off the top of my head tell you what exactly they are about, but given this blog name is "My Happy Endings", I would hope they all end with a positive slant, some may not however.

I have been travelling a road, and still do, of Depression. I do feel though that I have found a new direction of late and I am hopeful that I have found my tipping point, a point at which I will be less likely to go backwards again.

Today, as is always the case when a high profile person is admitted for Mental Health support or a successful suicide takes place and is all over the news, Twitter, Facebook, I am feeling the pain of my Depression.

I feel the pain of that person and I think of all the 'what ifs' as we process that such a worthy life is now over, never to be renewed.  I think of the pain of that family and all the friends who will never, ever again, be able to hold that person, to be able to speak to them, to be able to have that one last moment.

Once upon a time, all this exposure to another persons pain and torment would have triggered me, and by that I mean, would have sent me straight back to my darkest place, would have made me contemplate the other 'what ifs', would have sent me backwards on my road to recovery. Now, my heart simply breaks.

I have travelled a long and dark road, as do many people day in day out. Some never find a fork in the road, some never find the hill on the road that lifts them to the place where they can see a different perspective, some never meet the people on the road that will make a difference in their life's journey, some, simply find that black dark hole and don't know how to climb out of it.

Some people imagine that they would be doing other people a favour if they were no longer around, some people have so much pain from life's pressures that all they want is for that pain to stop and some people are so lost in a cycle of instability they believe thinking straight may never again be an option.

The one thing I know is that those who are left, in an attempt to understand, start analysing, assuming, looking for the answer as to why, why did such a person take their own life, why did our person?

Sadly, this information will do nobody any good …

If you know a person who struggles with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD or any Mental Health issue, talk to them now, find out what it is that keeps them here now, THAT is helpful information, THAT is what may make the difference, the other thing that may make a difference is taking a walk with them on that road of life, try to be there, THAT may help. Keep them here and engaged with those things that keep them holding on to life, the things that keep them engaged with life, with people, with their better perspective.

I write this from my perspective alone, everyone has their own road to travel, every story is different and every person deals with their life's struggles in the way they see fit.  But we must ask, we cannot know, unless we ask. Talk, converse, engage with your person.


If you or anyone you know is in need of support please contact:

Australia - Lifeline 13 11 14

USA call toll-free 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

This is a link to other numbers internationally
International Association for Suicide Prevention

OR PHONE A FRIEND!

SERIOUSLY, JUST DO THAT!

Rest In Peace you gentle man ...

Old Friends - 11th Day of Gratitude

I have a friend, I mean to say I actually have a few friends, but this one, I have had for nearly my whole life.

Sadly, we live quite a distance from each other, although that has never stopped us being friends.

We also live very different lives having had children at very different times, we work very different hours and days and we are at very different life stages, and yet, we have so much that we share.

Including our fashion sense ...

I've written several times before about my friends and each time I look back over my blog to identify those posts, I realise once again, how very lucky I am.

Yesterday (11th day of Gratitude), it happened I had a long overdue phone call with said friend, and she made me realise how loyal my long term friends are to me.

You see I've had some form of Mental Illness it seems, for most of my life, and as I am now coming into a time of real healing, I can identify in my past some of the strange things I have done, the weird responses people have seen in me, the unreliable character that I have displayed in the past, all those things that many people have just walked away from, but not my friends, my pals, my buds, my mates, my absolutely true, life long "in for the long haul" 'besties'.

So here I am, once again saying THANK YOU, to all my friends who love me even when I'm a bit crazy!

I was never much of an actress ...

Today, I am grateful for my friends,

all of them who stand by me.

"A friend is one who knows you, and loves you just the same." Elbert Hubbard

Loneliness is the killer

Trigger warnings: Suicide, Depression, Anxiety, Euthanasia, Family, Support, Mental Health

I wasn't going to buy into the current conversations about Depression that are all over Main Stream Media, Facebook, Twitter and I am sure, every other social media available to people.

But as a person who is suffering from Depression (no, not living with it), I can't stand the assumptions people make.

I will say right now, that my reality and what I see as fact may also appear to be assumptions for other people who are suffering from Depression or Living with it or, anywhere in the middle of those two extremes. Everyones journey is different.

I will also say I do not try to speak for, nor did I ever know this celebrity personally. This is just my perspective.

With the sad occurrence of a very well known personality having taken her life and that being attributed to her struggle with Depression, it makes me angry to hear the follow on statements like ... "So many people loved her" "If only she could see this outpouring of love" "I hope her beautiful soul is now at peace".

Where were all these people who love her? You never hear reports of people suiciding surrounded by all their friends and loved ones. (Excepting Euthanasia, although this, may not be that different.)

People suicide alone, because that is how they feel in that moment ... completely and utterly alone and hopeless.

This woman had a very active life, very involved in Social Media, Mainstream Media, Campaigns, Charity Events etc., etc.  She was a woman who gave so much of her time to others. And that is what kept her alive .... the time she spent with others.

It is the looking for happiness outside of oneself that keeps you involved in life and avoids the thoughts of suicide. And yet, it is a terrible addiction the need for love.

It is, when you are left to your own devices, that the symptoms of Depression start to creep in.

We don't need Social Media Trolls to make us feel bad about ourselves, we don't need to be confronted by other people to disagree with us about our values or principles to feel bad about ourselves, we certainly don't need to be excluded from social events or forgotten by friends who have had enough of our "Depression" to make us feel bad about ourselves ... NO, we can do all that for ourselves, that IS Depression.

When looking for a list of symptoms of Depression to post here, I found this site and the list they display:

Beyond Blue.

The only trouble is that they do not put enough emphasis on the "Thoughts" part of this.

Anyone can put on a good front, I'm sure our beautiful celebrity had done this on many, many occasions as she presented herself in public. You see, when you suffer from or live with Depression, you know that there is a time and place for everything. Imagine breaking down in tears on the red carpet, a person would be 'committed'.

People really don't  want to see your suffering, they are happy to know you have Depression, but they really don't want to understand it too well for fear they may have to get more involved in your life. Keep in mind also, not everyone has the family and personal relationships needed to sustain a life lived with Depression.

People don't want to be your therapist, they get sick of bolstering you over and over, and in the end treat you like a bit of a drama queen, eventually withdrawing from your life. People have their own lives, their own concerns, it takes a very serious friend or relationship to sustain the support a person with Depression really needs to help them to get to a place where they can "live with" their Depression, because it never is gone. And it takes many of those relationships.

If it were a physical illness and friends could simply wipe your brow, give you a pill, feed or hydrate you, it would be easy, because they can walk away after that.

You can't walk away from a person with Depression and assume they will take your advice, or they will look after themselves, or they are OK now ... Depression is a darkness, and left to feed on loneliness, it will kill.

Is this the face of Depression?

Take it from me ... YES, it is ...

Sourced from Twitter

Rest In Peace 

Footnote: If you have Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal thoughts or any other Mental Health Issue, be sure to seek ample professional support.

Accountability

Are you the type of person who is true to your word?

When you say you will do something, do you do it? Always?

What would you do if you had promised someone you would do something, and then found yourself unable to follow through on your promise? Would you contact them and explain? Maybe even apologise?

This is what I would hope to do, despite the embarrassment and the obvious disappointment I will cause, simply because the disappointment of being let down with no explanation, is much worse, and I would not want to be responsible for making the choice to have someone feel worse than they need to.

Source

What happens if you work for an organisation which represents themselves publicly as being the provider of a specific service at a particular level of service or who would provide that service in a particular manner to a particular group of people? Are you committed to uphold that statement of service just because you work for them? What if you couldn't with the resources made available to you? Would you still work for them? Would you strive to achieve that level anyway whilst banging your head against a brick wall? Might you suggest to your bosses the Mission Statement is actually NOT achievable from the perspective of resources and ability to consistently provide that service?

What if you were called out on that Mission Statement by a customer? Would you simply ignore its existence? Would you explain it was out of date? What would you do?

To avoid this looking like a simple rant, I will supply you with some facts.

My 11 year old LJ, has Down syndrome (DS). To most people that means he will look different, he has an intellectual delay, he may have some physical limitations.

The reality is this. Since LJ could roll, he has absconded, not unusual for a child with DS. He very rarely runs away these days or leaves an area that he is supposed to stay within, but he is now 11 and has learnt to climb! On tables, up paling fences, ladders, up poles, trees etc etc.

I know, you are all saying "Sounds like a typical 11 year old boy to me." Me too, except for the addition of the intellectual delay, Hypotonia, Hyperextension, receptive language delay,  expressive language delay, lack of understanding of stranger danger, lack of proper social skills and a long list of other smaller issues, which, added up mean, he needs supervision 24 hours 7 days a week.

Source

In the past, when I had the choice as to the properties we rented, I would always look for a few basics in security. Front and back screen doors must key lock, no access to under house, 6 foot fences (preferably Colourbond).  Any gates require padlocks, if there was a garage the internal access door needed a key lock. Windows must not have broken fly screens, and must be able to be key locked. And that, mostly, covers the aspect of him absconding. Also, no double storey properties and one with a back yard so he can have some free reign.

As for other things like sharp knives etc, the usual stuff with little children, I need to be on the ball keeping those in safe places.  "Up High" no longer cuts it as he just drags a chair over and accesses whatever he likes.

And at this point, let me remind you LJ is 11 years old, not so typical anymore hey?

Couple the need for such supervision and application of the many therapies, with the role of a single parent of two children, it actually seems amazing we have clean clothes, a clean house, any food in the house or even cooked meals. I have no extended family nor any other network of support.

After 8 years as a single parent with no other support, I have recently secured some respite support, however, it does not extend to assistance with any day to day support for Luke. I tend to use the respite so we can attend social functions as a family or to attend to my other child's needs outside of the home.

Unfortunately, it was a direct result of the breakdown of my marriage that found me and my children back in the rental market for accommodation. While I was self employed, I had some control over the houses we rented, but since we moved just under 2 years ago and I was unable to reestablish my business, I have relied on welfare and a few hours a week part time I have managed to find.

As a result of our unstable financial situation and my ever increasing Depression, I needed to seek assistance to find a rental property via a Community Housing Organisation (Whose name I have changed here to CH), who, promise the following:

Our Mission

Creating quality community housing for people in need through proactive management , matching housing solution with need, creative partnerships and listening to our community.

CH was established in 1983 to prevent homelessness through the provision of community housing. We offer support to our tenants on housing issues, and always strive to listen and learn from our tenants and the local community in order to provide the best possible housing services we can. We are overseen by Board of Directors that is made up of skilled members of our local community.

Registered as a Public Benevolent Institution gifts and donations to CH are tax deductible.

Main Aims

To address homelessness through provision of housing

To promote consideration and understanding of issues affecting housing and the implementation of housing and related programs appropriate to local needs

To contribute to the process of policy development and change amongst relevant Government agencies and other authorities in relation to housing.

Services at a Glance

Long term Community Housing

Temporary Accommodation in Partnership with Housing NSW

Boarding House Accommodation

Housing for People with a Mental Illness

Youth Housing

Aboriginal Housing

Refugee Housing

Other special purpose partnership projects.

NB: One of the "Other special purpose partnership projects" they speak of is around people with Disabilities.

This organisation was thoughtfully and purposefully formed to service specific areas of our communities, those being, the marginalised.

People living with Mental Health diagnosis, Disability, Homelessness, Illiteracy, Physical Health constraints, and many other difficulties that usually mean they need support and advocacy simply to achieve a very basic level of existence in any community.

And yet .... the very agencies which were formed to serve these people, deny them that service because of their inabilities, not in support of them!

If you can't complete reams of paperwork, you are not able to apply for public housing or priority housing nor many other services.  Support is NOT automatically given, you need to qualify for that extra support and you have to have help to do that.  How do you get that help? By filling in other forms with some other agency so you can register with them to advocate for you.

Anyone seeing the irony yet?

And when you have more than one difficulty in your life, well, that means you don't meet their criteria, and so, they can't provide any services because they don't know what to do with you because their Policies and Procedures don't cover it and they, cannot think for themselves!

I am now in the situation where this organisation which is supposed to provide housing to meet the needs of its client base, are telling me I have to take what is offered (even if it does not meet my needs) or I will end up homeless AGAIN! WITH, my two children.

They are in fact exacerbating my situation as a full time carer and making it much more difficult for me to exist by offering me a property which by no stretch of the imagination, meets the basic security needs to enable me to care for my son safely, whilst also being a parent and attending to the usual stuff we all have to attend to.

As I said when LJ's Case Worker rightly suggested no parent is capable of 24 hour 7 days a week supervision ...

If LJ was a "typical" 11 year old, he'd be out riding his bike with his mates and I wouldn't have to be worrying about being able to keep him in!

When will Disability Service Providers TRULY understand the people they are representing?

My Happy Ending will be if this organisation will actually listen to my needs and meet them, like they say they will.